The President's Phone Call to Putin about the Civil War in Washington

President Obama may look to Russian President Vladimir Putin to intervene in the Republican civil war which appears about to break out between the Tea Party Branch and the Leadership of the former Republican Party. The infiltration by religious zealots, anarchists, a plutocratic cabal, and libertarian forces all willing to shut down the government, wreak havoc on the world's economy, take away people's food, health insurance, jobs, and social security,all for the sake of bringing down a President they don't like has alarmed many in the country and appears to be coming to a head in the next 10 days. Republican leaders have taken the unprecedented step of cancelling a vacation in order to f*** with America. President Obama was heard to be pleading with his new friend Vlad for help on the red White House phone formerly reserved for use in the event of threats of nuclear war. "You wouldn't believe how screwed up things are here," he was heard to say. "Congress doesn't even want to pay for stuff they already bought. Russia is the envy of the world, and you've even got the next Olympics Games. Please help."

Our National Response to Chemical, Biological, and Radiological Warfare

Breaking News: US considers military strike against Japan for continued radiation poisoning of the Pacific Ocean. "We have clear and unrefuted evidence that Japan continues to use radiation poisoned water on its own citizens as well as the Pacific Ocean around which half the world's population lives. This ongoing chemical and radiological poisoning is horrific and the world must react," said a spokesperson for the administration. In more Breaking News: US considers military action against the US oil industry for chemical warfare against North Dakota, Texas, and several other other states. Inspectors have found high levels of mercury, hydrochloric acid, formaldehyde, methanol, and assorted other toxic chemicals in community after community. "This should not happen in a civilized society," said an administration spokersperson. "To knowingly use chemicals against a civilian population including women and children is barbaric. To poison an entire people's water supply is beyond the pale. We'll be taking the case against the oil industry to Congress," the spokesperson said. Senate Republican minority leader and oil industry spokesperson Mitch McConnell challenged President Obama to "Bring it on."........................... In even more Breaking News: The Obama administration is considering military action against the US food industry for its ongoing chemical and biological warfare against US and foreign citizens. "From GMO's to sodium nitrate, genetically modified organisms, perfluorooctanoic acid, aspartame, 4-methylimidazole, polychlorinated biphenyls, and pesticide residues, the list of toxic and deadly carcinogenic chemicals introduced deliberately into our food supply demands immediate action. We will be going to Congress and asking for support. It is unconscionable what is taking place," the spokesperson said......................... And in the weirdest breaking Breaking News of all: Republican Senator John McCain, who supports the Syrian rebels, today challenged Republican Senator Rand Paul to a duel in a dispute about Syria. "The only way to handle issues like this, is through mortal combat," McCain said, "and that's what our foreign policy should be." Senator Paul, an Assad supporter said, "Hey, if by gassing women and children in this civil war, Assad protects Christians, then so be it. That's what Jesus would have done." Both men were seen in the local WalMart purchasing AR-15 assault weapons and thousand of rounds of ammunition for the upcoming death match............................... According to reports, House Republican Speaker John Boehner is calling for an emergency meeting of the House majority to vote to defund Obamacare for the 41st time in response to the Syrian crisis. "It's the least we can do," he said.