Paul Ryan's State of the Union Republican Response

The last time we Republicans were in control, we started two wars we didn't pay for, a Medicare prescription program we didn't pay for, tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires that we didn't pay for, and turned a budget surplus under Clinton to a trillion dollar deficit by Bush's last year. All of this in only eight years!!! Obviously, when we put our mind to something, we can get it done!

And since being elected as a majority in the House of Representatives in November 2010, and now the start of the 2011 Congress, we've changed the name of "earmarks" to "letter marks," and the House has passed a repeal of health insurance reform which would eliminate all those "socialist" things like no disqualification for pre-existing conditions, and keeping your college kids on your health insurance longer, and not letting insurance companies deny coverage for sick children. And we certainly look forward to shutting down government at the earliest opportunity.

Even though we campaigned on Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, we didn't really mean it. That was just a joke. Get it? We're now going after gay marriage in Wash. DC., some of us want to reinstate Don't Ask, Don't Tell in the military, and we will try to end Social Security for everyone under 55, cut every benefit aimed at the middle class or below, while fighting to give corporations and millionaires tax breaks, all the while, of course re-fighting every culture war of the past decade. And we have special plans for women and children: Planned Parenthood will be defunded, abortion rights and providers will be targeted, and we'll cut every program we can aimed at children's education, health, and welfare.

And to finally pay for all this we will be proposing a tax increase for the bottom 90% of income earners disguised as "tax reform." The rich deserve tax breaks because, well, they are rich, and so are we, and they give us money.

We promised to nominate really stupid people and we lived up to that pledge and some of them were even elected or re-elected (Michelle Bachman's recent statements on slavery, for example, illustrate just how ignorant some of us really are!!! And of course, Sarah Palin). We ran as the patriot party and the constitution party, and we will attempt to radically modify our beloved constitution to reflect our fantastic view of constitutional history.

During the last two years we successfully fought or weakened every attempt by President Obama to bring our country out of a severe recession and the complete financial meltdown we handed over to him as we got booted out of office.

But we were able to convince enough of you that Obama was a Muslim Kenyan socialist nazi communist alien who hated America and you all voted to put us back in control of the House in the last Congressional election. What a country!!!