CPAC Conference - Imaginary Conservative Republican Speech

CPAC Republican speaker- We need a President who will lower taxes to the lowest rates since the 1950's, increase military spending to their highest levels ever, support freedom fighters in the Middle East and overthrow dictators, go after the Taliban and Al Qaeda wherever they are, spy on Americans without warrants, imprison American citizens indefinitely without charges in military prisons, and kill Bin Laden even if it means violating the sovereignty of foreign countries.......

Wait a minute. What? You're kidding,. Well, excuse me folks, I've just been informed President Obama did all that.... Never mind.

What we need is a President who wants to continue the payroll tax reduction that puts Billions of dollars back into working people's pockets..... Hold on..... What's that? Obama's wants to do that and we want to raise those taxes? Are you sure? That doesn't make any sense. What's Grover Norquist say about this? Go check with Boehner or McConnell.... that can't be right.

We need a President who will fight against health insurance mandates.... What? You're kidding. That was our idea? MItt Romney did that in Massachusetts? Damn. Okay. Nevermind.

We need a President who will open up vast areas of offshore oceans for oil exploration...... What? He did? Okay, never mind.

What we need is a President who's not afraid to show us his birth certificate, like Donald Trump would.... We don't even know if he was born here... Oh, what? He did? He was? Oh, okay, never mind.

We need a President who worked his way up from poverty, excelled in school and as an educator, became a respected and successful family man and stayed married to the mother of his children before running for public office. What? No way. You're kidding me. President Obama did all that? Okay, never mind.

I know, let's go with this:


What we really need is a President who will fight against a woman's right for health coverage for birth control.... There, that's our message of the week!



Thank you.