Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Federal Department of Vaginas

Breaking News: In a rare departure from the usual petty bickering, all three Republican frontrunners have agreed they would create a new Cabinet level department if they were elected President: The Federal Department of Vaginas. This new government agency will monitor all things Vagina. Mitt, Newt, and Rick all agree that this is one area where government needs to "man up." "There's just too much sex going on out there," said Rick Santorum. "Rampant breast and pelvic exams are becoming all too common," opined Newt Gingrich. "And believe me, I would know," he continued. "We need to get rid of Planned Parenthood," echoed Mitt Romney, not wanting to be left behind. Libertarian Ron Paul thought this big government intrusion would go too far: "We should just cut all the $$$ for women's health. That would work equally well. We don't need a whole Cabinet Agency to do that. That's why we have Congress."

Responding to charges that Republicans were waging a war against women, all the candidates claim that the newly created The Federal Department of Vaginas has nothing to do with women. "It's not about women," they say. "It's about religious freedom."

All Republican candidates have agreed that government should no longer regulate clean air or water and that environmental regulation should be abolished entirely. Regulation of business is also on their targeted hit list. But the three frontrunners agreed that monitoring bedroom behavior has always been a Republican concern and are simply carrying that tradition to its logical end. "For far too long, women's health has been between them and their doctors," Mr. Santorum summed up. "the time has come to change that."


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