Chuck Hagel - North Korean double-agent?

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee having run out of legitimate reasons to delay the nomination of Chuck Hagel by President Obama to be Secretary of Defense are now, led by Texas Senator Ted Cruz, investigating whether there's any evidence that former Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel was ever a North Korean double-agent. "We understand that Chuck Hagel is well known to have had numerous direct contacts with the North Vietnamese communists in the 1960's. It is not a great leap of intelligence to think that this could have led to contacts with North Koreans as well. We find the total absence of any evidence of a North Korean connection to be very suspicious," said Senator Ted Cruz. "The fact that there is no evidence whatsoever about any of the ridiculous things I've been saying only proves to me that a vast cover-up of proportions so immense as to boggle the mind has, in fact, been occurring," he said. "We have also been informed that it has been said that a report on Fox News said that someone heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel might have been present at the lunch in Baghdad between Saddam Hussein and an Al Quaeda agent. Furthermore," Senator Cruz said, "we have been told by Fox News that someone said that they saw a report that someone heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel may been implicated by unnamed sources in the assassinations of Presidents Liincoln, Garfield, and Kennedy as well as the attempts on Presidents Reagan and Ford. We will also be looking at reports from Fox News that internet sources say that somebody heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel caused the crash of the stock market in 1929 and the Great Depression of the Dust Bowl years as well as the sinking of the Titanic. There are also rumors reported by Fox News that someone else heard on Fox News that someone else said that there were reports that Chuck Hagel was involved in the efforts to convert America to the metric system. And finally, we have heard from Fox News that sources said that there are reports from unnamed sources who have heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel may speak French. And this is all very disturbing."