Romney Campaign Speech Deconstructed

Based on Mitt Romney's victory speech last night after winning assorted primaries, Romney plans an uplifting message for the campaign this fall: The country's going to hell, and the apocalypse is right around the corner. Communists have taken over Congress. A socialist is in the White House. It's no wonder Mexicans are leaving. And why should I pay 13.9% of my $22,000,000 income last year when people in poverty don't even pay income taxes here. I promise to change that. The problem isn't that we have so many poor people, it's that they don't pay any income tax. And if I lower the tax rates of billionaires, how else am I going to pay for a war in Iran, if I can't tax the poor people. And don't ask me about Afghanistan. I really don't understand it very well. And Romneycare, er, excuse me, I mean Obamacare must be repealed. Well, except for Massachusetts, of course, where it's working pretty well. A special thanks goes to the several billionaires who are financing my campaign.And to my primary opponents, I'd like to take this opportunity to say, and I mean this sincerely --- "Losers." Some things I'll tell you: like we need to abolish Social Security and Medicare. And some things I won't - like what government agencies I'll cripple or eliminate. Hint - anything to do with worker safety or environmental protection or the safety net are pretty likely targets. And let me respond to President Obama's remarks the other day that he wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth. "I wasn't either. I was given several as presents shortly after I was born, but that's different. Sure, we had silver spoons, forks, and knives, and silver cutlery and all kinds of nice silver bowls and gravy dishes and serving plates, but we didn't use them all the time--only on special occasions, and holidays, and maybe weekend dinners when we had corporate leaders or Senators over for dinner. In fact, a couple were only silver plated. Then my mother's household staff would polish everything and set out a very nice table for our guests. And we'd drink nice French wine. And my family has only been wealthy for three generations now, so I really resent the class warfare and ad hominem attacks being done by that socialist Kenyan Muslim in the White House."