Horse DNA Found on Mars

Breaking News from Europe - A mysterious and sudden decrease in the number of horses in Europe has stumped experts. A corresponding increase in the number of fast food restaurants was also noted. In related US news, the US, Ford Motor Company has announced the recall of 50,000,000 Ford Broncos, Pintos, and Mustangs to check for horse DNA. And Roy Rogers Restaurants in the Northeast US are under investigation by the FDA which said fears of horse meat contamination have "triggered" the inspection. And in a stunning development, NASA has announced it has discovered horse DNA on Mars. Using the most advanced scientific techniques available, the Curiosity spacecraft was able to detect the fossilized horse DNA on Mars. "This is on the same scale as Copernicus' discovery that the earth was not the center of the solar system," said one NASA scientist. A spokesperson for Nestle Foods said, "We're pretty sure it's not our fault."............................................. The Universe - In a "Hey, what's that over there?" moment, the Universe had us watching a meteor the size of a 5 story building narrowly miss the earth, while another one the size of a school bus exploded 15 miles above Russia causing a shock wave which injured over 1,000 people. Who says the Universe doesn't have a sense of humor..... And physicists, studying the implications of the discovery of the Higgs boson, now say the Universe will likely end someday. Damn. Talk about bad news...................................................................... Slavery and the 13th Amendment - Breaking news on slavery: Mississippi finally gets around to completing the ratification of the 13th Amendment. Standing under a Confederate flag, a state government official said, "I guess someone forgot to send in the paperwork."...................................................... Republicans, Fox News, and the Tea Party - CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, has announced their theme will be looking to the future, not the past. Their speakers so far include Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney. Other speakers, including Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Ron Paul, will present workshops on how to win national elections. "With a roster of speakers like this, how can we lose?" said CPAC organizers. In a sign of the fractures within the Republican party, the Tea Party today denounced a picture depicting Karl Rove as a Nazi which was sent out in a recent Tea Party fund raising mailing. Claiming the picture in the fund-raising mailing was the creation of an overly zealous private vendor and not officially approved, Tea Party Patriots' spokesperson Jameson Cunningham stated this was entirely inappropriate, despicable, and wrong and pledged that in the future only President Obama would be so portrayed. "We have our standards," he said. Fox News thinks that adding Herman Cain to its roster of pundits will add to their credibility.... That's a good one..................................................................... Budget - Citing "sequester" related budget cuts, the Pentagon announced today that it will outsource the US Drone Program to teenage video gamers at suburban malls throughout the country. Pentagon officials described this as a "win-win" for everybody....................................................................................... Chuck Hagel nomination as Secretary of Defense- Update on Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel - In the most damning evidence so far discovered by Senate Foreign Relations Committee, it now believes it has uncovered evidence that links Secretary of Defense nominee, former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, to President Barack Obama. "When we first heard these allegations of contacts between Hagel and the White House we were skeptical, but this is a serious matter and we will continue our investigation as long as is necessary," said chief Inquisitor Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "Unfortunately, it now appears that these allegations are incontrovertably true. We have reason to believe that it was not a 'one-time' incident but reflects ongoing contacts between the Senator and the President. Our committee has no choice but to act in accordance with these facts. It particularly saddens me on this President's Day 2013 that we must come to grips with the truth that Senator Hagel and President Obama are, in fact, associates. Our committee will let no stone go unturned, no rumor be unrepeated, no unsupported allegation go silent.".................................................................................... From the Vatican - Officials here are studying the implications of naming a Pope from Latin America. Pope Jesus, anyone? .......................................................................... Yoko Ono - And on a personal note, I'm having a hard time processing that Yoko Ono turned 80 years old this week. ............................................................ Bud C