Arizona State Department of Gender Preference Detection and Enforcement

Breaking News: In the event that Arizona Governor Jan Brewer does not veto the anti-gay "religious freedom" act and it goes into effect, Arizona legislators are scrambling to come up with a "gay" test for businesses to administer to customers prior to receiving services. "A questionnaire is a possibility: favorite color? if men answer "pink" then they are probably gay. Or if their wrists appear limp, then that's a clue. You can check their underwear, too. Thong underwear on a man is a definite tip-off. Finally, if a man orders a salad instead of french fries, you should probably err on the side of caution and refuse to serve and ask that customer to leave. Women with androgynous names like Pat, Leslie, Morgan, or Kelsey should be treated with caution as well as women wearing pants. We will be developing more sophisticated profiling methods including automated screening Facebook pages, tapping into peoples' telephone records, accessing credit card payment histories, and genetic marker testing. A simple pin prick of a finger at the entrance to the local Walmart with a computerized genetic analyzer will be able to kick out a gender preference result in seconds. We are planning to create a State Department of Gender Preference Detection with the goal of creating an instant back-ground check system similar to that desired to gun control advocates......Facial recognition software installed in all business will automate gender preference identification as soon as a customer walks in the door in the future.Our ultimate goal is to be as unobtrusive as a trans-vaginal probe or prostate exam."