Republicans Plan Bridge Closing Hearings

House Republican Oversight Committee Chairman Darrel Issa announced today that he will hold hearings in the George Washington Bridge lane closure scandal affecting New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie. "We pretty sure President Obama is behind it," he said. "There's no evidence at all for this, but that's not what we are about." Issa said they'd also hold hearings on the West Virginia toxic waste spill which affected 300,000 residents as well. "We think President Obama is behind that as well," Issa said. "It appears that it is a deliberate attempt to show that what happens when there is poor regulation of toxic chemicals near drinking water plants is a reason to have more regulation of toxic chemicals near drinking water plants. That's just the way his mind works." Finally, Issa said, they'd be holding hearings on the proliferation of texting in movie theaters and the danger they pose to innocent citizens in our public areas. "The recent murder in Florida clearly illustrates the dangers of texting while armed gun nuts are in the area. Something must be done about this wanton texting that is occuring. We will be looking at the possibility of back ground checks, limiting the number of characters on the keyboards, or banning the high capacity texting electronics out there. It appears that anyone can get a high capacity texting electronic with virtually no accountability. Mentally ill people are freely texting, for example. There's not even a waiting period. I understand you can just walk into a store and purchase these devices. People have taken the First Amendment completely to absurd limits as far as texting goes. With as many guns as there are out there, people should exercise extreme caution when texting."