Oh God, it's the Presidential Campaign Season Again

As far as I can determine right now, the Republican platform for 2016 is to declare war on Iran, eliminate every government program since the New Deal, create a new Federal Department of Vaginas, replace the US Constitution with the Ten Commandments, deport the parents of millions of Mexican American children, take away rights from LGBTs, women, working people, union workers, non-Christians, eliminate public schools, colleges, and universities, take away people's health insurance, unemployment insurance, food stamps, and mortgage assistance, privatize Social Security, take food and medicine away from children, sell the National Parks, bring back polluted water and air, ban all talk about climate change, increase the budget deficit, give billionaires more tax breaks, and raise taxes on 99% of all Americans. I could be wrong, but I think that's out of step with the thinking of most of us. * * * * * * * * Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, Elmer Gantry impersonator, part-time libertarian, full-time con man, and presidential wannabe, today called for the elimination of all government regulatory agencies and all government regulations, to be replaced by a single new agency, the Joint Federal Department of Vaginas and Religious Freedom, to monitor compliance with right-wing Christian religious orthodoxy and women's private parts. "We need to get government out of business board rooms and back into women's private parts where it belongs," he said. * * * * * * * * * * And I have a special message for Rand Paul and Ted Cruz about their conversations with the press: You two guys have said tons of stupid sh**, so don't act so surprised when people ask you about it. * * * * * * * * * On another matter, the nation was shocked that a white cop who killed an unarmed black man is charged with murder. "How can this happen in America?" people asked. Like Bill O'Reilly said the other day, "It's open season on white men." * * * * * * * * Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and Marco Rubio are now running for President: Fact checking groups like Politifact, Media-matters, Fact-check, Snopes, and others are gearing up for the 2016 Presidential campaigns. "We have realized very quickly that with our current technology we will not be able to keep up with the Republican fibs. It's so ingrained with these guys, we wonder sometimes if they no longer realize how far they have wandered from the factual world. With Ted Cruz' announcement that he was running, we immediately reached our capacity to fact check. His announcement speech at Liberty University nearly crashed our computers. We counted over one million lies in that two hour speech alone. Smoke was billowing out of the fronts of our mainframes and servers. With Rand Paul and Marco Rubio entering the race, and God forbid, that crazy f****** brain surgeon, Ben Carson, or Huckabee, we are planning to add over a thousand Cray Supercomputers with a million billion trillion quadrillion terragooglebytes of cloud computing power just to keep up. Our worst case scenario is that Bobby Jindahl, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie, and Scott Walker also enter the race. We would be totally overwhelmed; there is just no way to design a system to fact check that much mendacity. Our only hope is that, like Rick Perry, Chris Christie, and Scott Walker, several more of these prevaricating wackos will face criminal investigations and/or felony indictments."