Dear Republicans: Ben Carson is a Vegetarian

Ben Carson has overtaken Donald Trump as the poll leader in the Republican primary campaign for President. He also found it necessary to clarify that it was really a family member he tried to stab, not a friend at school as he said in one of his books. * * * * * * * * * * Here's something else he said this week: Joseph built the pyramids to store grain. Hmmmmmmm. Nothing written in either the Bible about that or on the pyramids about that. The pyramids have the most extensive hieroglyphic written record of any ancient monument, but nothing about Joseph, or his technicolor dream coat, or grain storage. Now here's the real weirdness about all that other than the fact that there's no evidence whatsover: Ben Carson said that various scientists think aliens helped build the pyramids. Ben Carson believes that scientists think aliens helped build the pyramids. He might as well believe that God made Mount Rushmore because, well, America. * * * * * * * * * Ben Carson also revealed this week that he'd been abducted by aliens in 2003 when he was in Michigan and that they performed eye surgery on him. "That's why my eyelids droop," he said. "There were lights, and people wearing green smocks and their heads were covered in masks and some kind of goggles. They did things to my eyes. And they gave me drugs which has affected my speech." He went on, "It was really weird. We traveled to ancient Egypt where I met Cleopatra and did weird sexual things. The aliens were building the pyramids. Then we ate some strange food. It was green. I'm pretty sure I was a cocker spaniel in a previous life. Lucille Ball communicates with me from the afterlife through the mirror in my bathroom. If I want quiet, the tinfoil on my head helps. I don't think any of this will affect my presidential ambitions. A lot of my voters have had the same experiences." "However," he added, "I just hope people don't find out I'm a vegetarian. That could really hurt." One Republican operative was heard to say, "Republicans believe a lot of nutty wacky stuff: the earth is 6,000 years old, evolution was invented by Satan, global warming is a hoax, operations Jade Helm was a plot to invade Texas, supply side economics, fluoridation in water was a communist plot, Jesus was one of the Founding Fathers, etc., but this vegetarianism thing may just be a bridge too far." Polls show Americans would support a Muslim or Jewish President more than a vegetarian one, 36% to 19%. "At least Muslims and Jews eat some meat," one southern Republican was heard to say.* * * * * * * * * 271,000 jobs were added to the economy last month, unemployment rate down to 5%; outraged Republicans vow to fight.........."We must join together to f*** things up as quickly as possible," said new House Speaker Paul Ryan. "Maybe we'll shut down the government, maybe not. Time will tell." * * * * * * * * Jeb Bush, near the bottom in the polls, rolled out a new campaign slogan this week: Jeb Can Fix It. To that I say, the only thing Jeb Bush ever fixed was the Florida vote count in the 2000 Presidential election.