Bad Golf Made Easy and/or Funner

I've golfed for many years, hit thousands of really bad shots, and a few really good ones, and have here compiled my list of insights and secrets for enjoying bad golf and now want to share them with other duffers everywhere.
A Brief History of Golf - Golf was invented by men who wore plaid skirts and no underwear (see Ch. 20 Hairy Balls), which is about all one can say about that. They first hit wooden balls with sticks back and forth until someone came up with idea of a hole in the ground to hit the ball into. And did they do it once? No, as Robin Williams said, “They do it eighteen f****** times.” And it often rained. Our Ancestors Played with Hairy Balls. I'll explain: Ball Selection – This is a serious matter. Covers, compression, construction, spin-rate, and dimples. Golf balls are round. Smooth round doesn’t fly through the air all that well so early golf geniuses added cuts and scrapes, bumps, and later, dimples. Dimples have been round, square, and hexagonal. They may be shallow or ever-so-less shallow. Turbulence and laminar flow are concepts in modern golf ball design and jet aircraft flight. History of the Ball 1486 to 1898: wooden, hairy, featherie, gutta, and Haskell. Wooden – pretty self explanatory; they used beech. A guy with a pocket knife carved them. Hairy balls? An advance. I wonder if there any possible jokes there? Both the hairy and the featherie were leather covered and filled with cow hair, and later chicken or goose feathers. Made while wet, the hair, feathers, and leather shrank and hardened when dry. The gutta was made from dried sap of the Malaysian sapodilla tree and was the first one-piece ball. I don’t think the Malaysians were big golfers though. I could be wrong. The evolution from cow hair to feathers was not a change Darwin paid attention to, but the gutta advanced golf and lowered handicaps everywhere, traveling farther and straighter. In fact, golfers noted the more nicks and bumps on a gutta ball, the farther and straighter it traveled, leading to the modern dimples. The Haskell is so named for the guy in 1898 who first wound long rubber strands into a ball and noticed it bounced pretty high. It was covered with the sap of the balata tree, and voila!, a balata covered golf ball. Balata has since met its evolutionary dead end. That pretty much covers golf balls from 1486 to the later twentieth century. I once removed the cover of a 1950s wound ball and stretched the continuous rubber band around our house in Sheridan, Wyoming. As I remember, it went around that three-bedroom bungalow four times. It had a steel ball bearing at the center. A later development of the wound ball was a liquid center. Modern golf ball design gets a bit more complicated. History of the Dimple – There’s nothing like a dimple on the cheek of a cute girl, or guy, depending on which way you swing, so to speak, or on a golf ball. From the whack marks on a gutta to the modern Isocohedronic pattern on a Titleist, dimples make everyone smile. An internet spreadsheet list every ball, every dimple configuration and number, and the characteristics thereof (see GolfInfoGuide.com). I found this from a University of Budapest article on golf ball dimples: “The number of dimples and nodes (dimple sizes) is not arbitrary. The optimum dimple number has been defined at about 350 to 450 per ball, but the number of dimples can vary from 252 to 500 dimples per ball. Some of the most popular number of dimples, according to Tibor Tarnai, an engineer at the Technical University of Budapest, are 332, 360, 384, 392, 416, 420, 432 and 480, all of which are found in commercial balls. There is also a tendency to produce dimple patterns with the highest order of symmetry, leading from the Octahedron pattern, which divides the golf ball’s surface in eight identical triangles to the Icosahedron pattern, created by Titleist in 1973, dividing the ball’s surface into 20 identical triangles.” Covers - Balata, Surlyn/Ionomer, trionomer, or urethane covers. Balata covers are rare these days. Surlyn and the ionomers are the most durable; urethane affords more spin. Surlyn is made by DuPont which says, “Surlyn brand resins are unique ionomer-class molding and extrusion materials created from DuPont proprietary acid copolymers. Starting with selected molecular weight grades of copolymers such as ethylene/methacrylic acid, DuPont adds zinc, sodium, lithium or other metal salts. Acid neutralization results in the formation of ion clusters (hence the general term, "ionomer") within the resulting polymer matrix.” Urethanes “ are made by the exothermic reactions between alcohols with two or more reactive hydroxyl (-OH) groups per molecule (diols, triols, polyols) and isocyanates that have more than one reactive isocyanate group (-NCO) per molecule (diisocyanates, polyisocyanates).” So, there you go: surlyn covers are hard and durable, urethanes are softer. Construction - 2 piece, 3 piece, 4 piece, and now even 5 piece. Layers of soft and hard materials make a difference according to the swing speed of the golfer so you get more distance in a drive or more action around a green depending on how much you compress the ball with the strike of the club, that is, at which layer your club no longer compresses the ball. Golf Week says, “Three-piece balls used to feature threads of rubber or elastic wound tightly around the core. The cores of today’s balls are generally wrapped with synthetic rubber or plastic. Some Titleist balls, for example, use thermoplastic resins called ionomers. Nike surrounds its resin-center ball with synthetic rubber. Other balls are referred to as “dual core” because the core and the next layer or layers are all made of synthetic rubber. As of 2012, the most complex balls contain five pieces, including the cover. TaylorMade produced the first five-piece ball, containing a small rubber core surrounded by three progressively firmer layers made from synthetic rubber, HPF 1000 (an ionomer resin) and thermoplastic, respectively.” I do not currently believe the color of a golf ball is a significant factor; however, I think studies should be done on the variations in color and how that affects the motor-neuron- synaptic firing sequence when mentally processing the golf swing -- just in case. I play found balls, that is, balls I find while playing. And given the numbers of bad golfers out there who buy decent golf balls, no shortage of decent lost balls exists. When I play, I will often walk along the edges of tree lines, or higher grass cuts, with my eye searching for that glimpse of white, yellow, or orange that could be a ball. There are a select few “ball rich” environments I tend to concentrate on like the right side of hole #14 at Shoreline, or the long grasses along the creeks of most courses. I think this harkens back to the days when I learned to play on a sand green, nine-hole course, carved out of McCracken’s pasture in Friend, Ne. I couldn’t afford to buy balls, so I’d bike the two or three miles out there and look for balls in the farm fields bordering the course. One time, Barb McCracken, brought me a glass of water when she saw me out there. I liked her. This has afforded me the chance to hit hundreds of differently manufactured golf balls. I play a variety of balls. I do avoid water balls though. If you do the permutations of dimple patterns, size, depth, cover compositions, compression, spin rates, construction elements, you come up with about seven trillion possibilities which is about seven trillion more than the average 10 handicapper can process. So close your eyes and just grab a box of Pinnacles, Srixons, Titleists, or Callaways, or virtually any brand, off the shelf and go forth. You are most likely not discerning enough to notice the difference. Advanced golfers and/or anal-retentive personality types – see Ch. 12.Our Ancestors Played with Hairy Balls

1) How to bogey from 95 yards out in the middle of the fairway.
This is not as hard as it sounds. 95 yards away from the green after a drive on a par four hole, or after a second shot on a par 5 hole is a good place to be for an amateur golfer. So you can assume, you just hit your best drive all day, or perhaps ever. For most amateur golfers, men and women, that distance is a pitching wedge, or maybe a 9 iron for the older or younger golfers. So the key here is to make a bad second or third shot leaving yourself short-sided with a difficult chip or pitch over a bunker, for example. From a prime position, you can, in one shot, put yourself in a difficult position and make it virtually impossible to get a third shot close to the pin. A lob wedge has about 97 ways to go wrong. A mishit lob wedge can travel anywhere from about 18 inches to 100 yards depending upon how hard you swing, and if the pin is 20 feet away, neither of those distances is optimal. So remember, a bad second shot is the key on a par 4, and a bad third shot on a par 5. I should add, though, that even if you hit a good second or third shot, you can still three putt and salvage your bogey.
2) How to swing harder for less distance.
Golf is a game of physics. Parabolic trajectories. Club head path. High spin and low spin golf balls. Curving ball flights due to low pressure on the side of a spinning ball caused by the angle and motion of the clubhead at the point of impact. Lift and drag due to ball spin and wind direction. Clubhead speed and the vertical angle of departure of the ball are determined by the skill of the golfer and the club face loft. A ball with a draw spin, counter-clockwise, will tend to bound forward and leftward upon landing. My friend Bob hits a ball like this, sneaky long with lots of roll. A ball with fade or slice spin, clockwise, will tend to bound rightward upon landing but not forward much. The composition of the golf ball cover also makes a difference. A hard cover ball tends to spin less than a softer cover ball.
Probably the best way for the amateur golfer to hit shorter drives is to swing harder. This tends to result in an even more pronounced outside to inside swing path imparting sidespin to the ball. The more sidespin, the greater the slice, and the shorter the drive, often because the ball disappears into the trees, or the water, someone’s backyard, or the parking lot.
For lefties, the reverse is true.
3) Perfecting the skulled 9 iron shot.
This is a specialty shot that takes years to perfect. If you hit it correctly, on the right line and the right distance, this ugly shot can be beautiful. Normally, a 9 iron has a high trajectory and lands with some “bite,” meaning backspin that stops the ball rather quickly. A “skulled” 9 iron is one in which the club hits the ball on the upswing hitting the equator of the ball sending it on a low trajectory with no backspin and it hits well short of the green and rolls toward the pin. The secret to this shot is to mishit the shot so badly that it ends up about where you intended a well struck shot to land. If there is a pond in front of the green, do not try this shot. If there are greenside bunkers in your intended line of flight, do not attempt this shot. And be advised if you hit this shot too hard, you will fly over the green and into whatever hazard lies on the far side of the green. If you accomplish this shot, you should always inform your partners that you intended to do that. I like to say that I’ve been working on this shot for years. It is particularly gratifying if you win money as a result of this particular shot as your golfing partners will be incredulous, disgusted, and rattled as they hit their next shot.
4) How to play a push slice from the wrong fairway.
The push slice is a double-whammy of a bad shot, because it starts to the right and goes even farther to the right, but occasionally it will be so badly hit that you actually have a shot to the green. When I do this I will say something like, “I hit that so bad that it’s okay.” If you are lucky, a push slice will often have a high trajectory and go over the tops of a tree lined fairway into an adjacent fairway. One hint for the next shot is don’t do it again. You may have a small opening between tree trunks if you like living dangerously (see #13). Otherwise, attempt a lofted iron to go over the trees more or less in the actual direction of the hole.
5) How to Hit a Bad Drive after a Birdie on the Previous Hole
We call this phenomenon the PBFU, the post birdie f***-up. It is a well-recognized phenomenon and common occurrence everywhere golfers golf. A birdie is a significant accomplishment, usually pure luck, but often with a small element of skill involved. A birdie is one under the assigned par for that hole. A par four hole is usually 350 to 400 yards, sometimes a bit shorter and sometimes a bit longer. Pro golf tournaments feature Par 4 holes over 500 yards in length which is just ridiculous, but almost all pro golfers hit the ball so far that it makes you sick. Anyway, a birdie 2 on a par 3, or a 3 on a par 4, or a 4 on a par 5, are pretty good scores. So what happens is you are somewhat pumped up as you approach the next tee shot and often hit a bad drive. In that short walk from the green to the next tee box you are thinking you are an excellent golfer and you can do it on the next hole, too. The PBFU is a reminder from God that you are not a pro. And that pride goeth before the slice out of bounds.
6) How to hit a ball from the bottom of a lake.
I’m just kidding. You can’t do that. On the other hand, I have seen and have attempted, a) shots from the shallow water around the edges of a pond when the ball is not totally submerged and b) off the frozen surface of a golf course pond. Regarding the former, hit the ball as you would a sand shot: open the club face, hit about an inch behind the ball, and hope the ball flies somewhere. The next step is to wipe the mud off your face, shirt, and pants. Some golfers will remove their shoes for this shot. I saw a pro once on tv take off his pants as well to attempt this shot.
The ice shot requires more finesse because of physics: net force equals mass times acceleration, and if you fall, your mass times acceleration will most likely be enough force to crash through the ice. There are several keys to pulling this shot off. First, make sure the ice is thick enough to support your weight. There is no fool proof way to do this other than walking out there and determining if you have fallen through. In fact, the fact that you are attempting this shot suggests you might be the type of person and golfer for whom the phrase “fool proof” was invented. Second, do not attempt this in deep water where you might break through, become submerged, and drown. Nothing ruins a round of golf like drowning or seeing a partner go under. If the water is only waist deep, though, and the ice might just be thick enough, carefully walk toward the ball listening for cracking sounds. You will likely hear them but ignore that because you are already past the point of no return. But if you proceed cautiously, and successfully get to the ball, exhale slowly to remove the weight of the air in your lungs, take an even stance with the weight evenly distributed on each foot, swing at about half your normal swing speed. You should spread your feet a bit wider to better distribute the weight. If you do all this, you have a better than average chance to hit the ball, not fall down, and not crash through the ice. I’ve done it; I’ve seen my golfing partners Jerry and Bob do it as well. This shot most often presents itself after a prolonged cold spell during winter months with an interval of just enough warmth to melt the snow on the course itself, but not the ice on the pond. If one of your golfing partners does crash through the ice, you need to ask yourself is that person a good golfing partner. If so, attempt a rescue. You should carry an extra pair of socks, and pants if you have the requisite pockets in your golf bag, though, just in case, and perhaps a length of rope. Also, if two of your group's shots end up on the ice, have the heavier person go first. If they safely execute the shot, then the ice must be strong enough.
7) Four-putting made easy.
You may think this is difficult in estimating how bad a player has to be to do this. And it is true. It is rare. Most average putters can two putt regularly from, say, 15 feet or so. But a fast green with a down-slope or a stiff breeze can make a four putt quite possible. Keep in mind that even pro golfers miss the occasional four footer. Maybe once in twenty. The key is to miss your first putt as badly as you can. I remember standing over a two foot putt at Dodge Park Golf Course in Council Bluffs, Iowa, a few years ago. It was a slick downhill putt with a small break from right to left. I took a short back stroke on my putter and missed my intended line by just a fraction of an inch and the ball picked up pace as it accelerated downhill past the hole and nearly off the green. Faced now with an 18 footer uphill, I left my second putt about six feet short and missed that. A short tap in fourth putt for a triple bogey was the result. A two footer for par became a four putt nightmare in a few short seconds. You walk off the green shaken, dismayed, rattled, and stunned.
8) How to recover from five or more bad shots in a row.
Most golfers will either by design or by accident hit a relatively okay shot every two or three attempts. The shots aren’t particularly good, but they have some redeeming aspect like they were in the general direction of the intended line, or it didn’t quite go far enough to dribble into the pond or the hazard, or at least they brought the green into the reachable zone for their next shot. Most golfers on an average public course tally their rounds by how many bad shots they make. Good golfers tally their rounds by how many good shots they make. For example, I shot a 71 the other day with only a couple of bad shots, 50 or so so-so shots, and 15 or so pretty good shots, and maybe three or four really good shots. The two bad shots resulted in bogeys. But five bad shots in a row tells me the person should probably give up golf altogether and take up billiards or bowling. The best way to recover from five bad shots on a golf course is to have a couple of shots at the bar in the clubhouse.
9) Proper club throwing etiquette. And don’t forget your clubs.
Always throw your club in the direction you are walking. This speeds up play and is appreciated by other golfers on the course. Also, when you lay a club down by the green and finish your putting, place that wedge on the line you will walk back to your clubs. This is especially good advice for older golfers who tend to forget things like how many strokes they actually took on a hole.
10) What to do when the divot travels farther than your ball.
This is embarrassing, but it does happen. Deliberately walk forward to the large chunk of dirt you unearthed and place it back in the oddly shaped gouge you just made on the nicely mown turf. Step on it to press the roots firmly back into the soil. Use the same club you previously used, because, let’s face it, you aren’t that much closer to the green. Hit it better this time.
11) Sand Bunkers
A sand shot can go wrong in many ways. Take too much sand, and the ball may not clear the lip of the bunker and could roll right back at your feet and into the large hole in the sand you just created or into one of your footprints. Take too little sand and the ball may rocket out of the bunker like a well hit 3 iron and end up 75 yards farther away from the green than you were to begin with. With this in mind, the secret is to take a deep breath, remain calm, and take a whack at it and then another whack at it if necessary. The goal is to hit an inch or two behind the ball with a slightly opened club face so that the sand propels the ball not the club. A rule of thumb is to imagine you are hitting the ball about three times farther than the actual yardage without actually hitting it three times farther. If you are successful, pat yourself on the back for a shot well executed. If you are unsuccessful and the ball rolls back into that large divot you just created, you're f*****. Try again, and maybe again, but after four shots and the ball is still in the bunker, pick it up and throw it out, but not nearer the hole. Assess yourself a penalty stroke for an unplayable lie, because you obviously cannot play it, take your eight or nine or ten on that hole and order a beer from the cart girl next time she rolls around. So for a short bunker shot, hit the sand, not the ball. A long sand shot from a fairway bunker, however, may require you to pick the ball off the surface of the sand without hitting the sand at all – good luck with that. It helps if the sand has not been prepped by maintenance staff for a period of time, so public courses tend to be best for this shot. Odds are the average to below average golfer will either completely whiff that stroke or will top the ball which may or may not get out of the bunker, or will hit the sand behind the ball and will not go very far either. In either case, take another whack at it as detailed above. You can practice that shot on a sidewalk or parking lot where you try to hit the ball, not the sidewalk. A tip on practicing that shot on a sidewalk is to not use your new $1,000 Taylor Made Aeroburner irons for that practice. A note of caution on public courses and the one I often play on: many are built on former landfill areas so be aware that too large an explosion shot from a bunker may expose bedrock or buried concrete chunks which can be a rude awakening as the shock wave and nerve impulse speed up your forearms much like banging your funny bone on a hard piece of furniture.
12) Replacing a ball in play.
A pro tour player is required to play the same brand and type of ball during a tournament, that is the brand and type of ball they have selected. Other players may choose a different brand and type, but they too must play the entire round with that brand and type of ball. A player may play a new ball every hole, but it has to be the same brand and type they began with. This is not a problem in that pros are given dozens of balls by golf ball companies for every tournament. Nikes, and Titleists, and Srixons, Callaways, Taylor Mades, and Bridgestones are often the balls of choice. Players may also replace a damaged ball under certain circumstances, like a cracked or severely scuffed cover, but must notify their playing partners, carefully mark the location of the ball, and replace the ball with one of the same brand and type.
Amateurs golfers, on the other hand, often have a pocket of their golf bags filled with several dozen “found balls” of different brands, colors, and different types, and readily switch at will and whim. I have used harder cover balls when playing into the wind and softer cover balls with the wind to attempt to gain an edge over my partners. I can’t swear it ever made a difference, but it seemed worth a try. These balls, however, are often subjected to extreme cold or heat in that the golf bag in the trunk of golfer’s car and are subjected to the daily temperatures of heat and cold which can affect the balls’ performance. On cold days, I will try to remember to bring a few balls into the house the night before to get that edge of a warmer ball traveling a bit farther than a cold one. My playing partners are also known to have adopted this strategy. However, we all do observe the prohibition of carrying a surreptitious portable ball warmer in the bag. I will carry an extra ball in my pants pocket to gain some of my body heat looking for that extra yard or two during the later part of a cold day’s round. I’ve also been known to fill the kitchen sink with hot water an hour or two before a cold weather round and put in half a dozen balls for use. It is permissible under the rules of golf to do this, wrap them in a towel, and place them in your golf bag. I do not believe this constitutes cheating. It would be cheating, however, to use a heated towel.
One other important note is that when you replace a ball after a bad shot, blame the ball. “There’s something wrong with that ball.”
13) Trees.
"The Myth of 90% Air" – Deciduous trees - for any tree branch diameter, you also need to add 99% of the diameter of the golf ball on both sides of the branch, for if that 1% of the golf ball hits a branch it will be deflected proportionally. So a 1" diameter branch is for all practical purposes nearly 3" in diameter and multiplying that branch times the number of branches, you are actually facing a virtually impenetrable solid object, like, say, a brick wall. And I might add, carrying a chainsaw is prohibited. So the official best practices advice on this is “Do not hit the ball into the trees.”
Pine Trees – you’re f*****.
14) Things to say to lighten the mood: "At least it was straight." "If the green was over there, that would have been a good shot." "Maybe it'll hit a turtle and bounce out." "That drive was short but crooked." "That shot looked really good until you hit it." "You made that 8 look easy." “Does your husband play golf too?” has an edge to it. Or when you can’t quite tell if a shot on a par three is on the green or fringe and it is worth money, we will say, “Wait here, I’ll go check.” That never gets old.
15) A quick way to improve your putting stats.
One way to improve your putting stats is to practice. Arrive early, and putt over and over again to hone your skills. A quicker and easier way to improve your putting stats is to take fewer putts. Ha. You probably already knew that. Let me explain further. One method my golfing partners often use is to give each other short putts, especially if we are in a match play format. (Note that the definition of “short” varies by circumstances. It may be a foot, perhaps two at the low end. If you partner encountered water, trees, or other obstacles and ends up with far more strokes than usual, we may give him that 18 footer for a quadruple bogey). We play for quarter skins usually. Let’s say you are up by half a dozen skins and you are playing for a handful of additional skins and your opponent has a three footer to tie you. If you just say, "pick it up," or "that's good" they will appreciate the gesture and perhaps return the favor on a succeeding hole. Or sometimes you can suggest, "Good, good?" meaning I'll give you your five foot breaking putt on a slick down hill green if you give me my six footer. Depending on the circumstances, they might just agree and you all pick up and count one putt without having actually made a putt that could very well have been two more putts. Theoretically, if you do that every hole no matter how long the putt, your putting stats will show drastic improvement. In practice, every so often someone will deny the proposal saying something like our golfing friend Andrew from Scotland used to say, "Let's play some golf!" When translated into English, this means roughly, "Laddies you are big American wusses. That's a six footer. There's no way I'm giving you that putt."
16) Creative Ball Marking on the Putting Surface

Another technique pioneered by a fellow I have played with can help to shave off the occasional putting stroke. A golfer is required to mark with exactitude a ball’s position on a putting green for a variety of reasons. The ball may be in the intended line of a golfer whose ball is farther from the hole. A golfer may wish to clean the ball. A valid reason is not necessarily needed. A golfer may mark a ball on a putting surface whenever he/she wishes.

Golfer’s will carefully mark the position of the ball by placing an object directly behind the ball as close as possible without moving the ball. Usually the mark is a coin or flat object designed for said purpose. Golfers have been known to use a tee stuck in the green if not in the line of another golfer. Technically, I believe you could mark a ball with a tennis shoe or a suitcase if you so chose, but few golfers do so. I marked a ball once with a dime when playing with friends with their children tagging along. Their young boy was quite excited as he picked up my dime thinking he had found money randomly scattered on the putting surface. I estimated its previous location and putted out. I let the kid keep the dime.

A golfer may be required to move a mark, however, if it is in another golfer’s line or is a distraction. A tennis shoe or suitcase may well meet this distraction condition. To move a marker, a golfer should carefully move the marker using a sightline guide like a tree, or other immovable object, move the marker one or two putter head lengths sideways from its original position that is more or less perpendicular to the intended line of the other golfer's putt. The golfer would then be required to replace the marker in the same spot using the sightline guide. By choosing a different tree trunk or rock when replacing the ball, a golfer can replace the marker nearer the hole if done so surreptitiously and pretending great care. You can gain perhaps 6 to 9 inches using this technique.

Another incremental technique is to place a marker in front of the ball, pick the ball up to pretend to clean it, and then place it in front of the ball thus gaining an inch or two. This may not be much but if used in tandem with the above technique, a six foot putt can become a five foot putt. That may not seem much, but an average golfer might miss 65 out of 100 six foot putts, but only 60 out of 100 five foot putts. Over time, those few inches can make a difference. I would point however, that a golfer might also practice so that their shots land a few inches closer and be in conformance with the rules.

The above techniques may require you to position yourself between the ball and other golfers so as to obstruct their view of your ball-advancing mark techniques. However, one fellow we know will time his movements to coincide with that short time when you are looking at your own ball so that when you look up you might suspect something is different but did not witness the infraction.

Tales are told of one golfer who turned an 18 foot putt into a 14” tap-in using the above techniques. This golfer is also have known to have a golf-ball sized hole in his right front pocket so as to be able to secretly drop a ball into a location where he was searching for an errant ball and then exclaim, “found it!” I think the number of golfers who include him in their groups has diminished over the years.



17) How to look good shooting 105.
This is hard to do, but always remain calm as though you were on your way to shooting a 75. Act like you are having a good time. Move to the ball quickly, and think about that one good shot you made seven weeks ago. Do not take seven practice swings, as that clearly is not working. Enjoy the outdoor air and the sound of golf course maintenance workers mowing the fairways. Tell yourself a bad day on the golf course is still better than a good day at the office. Count the number of hawks you see. Look at the sky.
18) If you are an older golfer like me with the requisite number of aches and pains that go with said aging, you may find walking 18 holes does wear one out especially on a hilly course. I have found, though, that if I follow the five or six-mile hike on a golf course by taking a handful of Advil, a hot bath, a massage, two shots of bourbon, a nap, several hours with a vibrating heat pad, yoga, acupuncture, a chiropractic adjustment, two more shots of bourbon, two additional days of physical therapy, and three good night’s sleep, I’m ready for the next outing with my friends.
19) What to carry in your golf bag.
I recently converted to a modern light weight Sun Mountain push cart from an older model BagBoy aluminum pull cart likely manufactured in the 1940s. I inventoried the contents of my golf bag in the process. The largest pocket contained two wind breakers, a half a dozen wrinkled and torn golf gloves, an umbrella, two stocking caps, winter gloves, several old partially eaten and dried-out granola bars (if you soak these in the left over coffee in your travel mug for a while on the drive home, they make an adequate snack), three pair of sunglass, three half empty containers of sunscreen or perhaps they were half full, a baggie containing some bandaids, about 30 short pencils, and dozens of old golf course receipts and score cards. I found in my medium-sized pocket about six dozen golf balls. The third smaller pocket contained about 1,000 tees. The very smallest zip pocket contained two crumpled dollar bills, a few quarters, other change, and assorted ball markers. I felt like Robinson Crusoe listing what he salvaged from his ship. But no respectable golfer can do with any less. Be sure to check the air pressure in your golf cart tires if applicable as all the above adds about 40 pounds to your load.
20) Club Selection
Club selection is important. Pros have their yardage dialed in to a yard or two. I hit this club 114 yards. I hit this one 183 yards. If I take a two inch shorter backswing with my 158 yard club, I hit it 154 ½. With a two mile an hour headwind, I need to move the ball forward in my stance about one centimeter to compensate. And so on. We duffers, even good duffers, have much more leeway in our club selection. We think things like: I have no idea how far I’m hitting this club today, so give me my 7 iron instead of my 8 iron and if I hit it off-center, I should be in the neighborhood; or, I’m hitting it badly this afternoon, so if I hit two extra clubs poorly I should be ok.

21) The Yips. And a forbidden word.
I’ve seen previously fine golfers dissolve into yip mush, unable to make an 18 inch putt to save their souls. For a while I got the yips on lag putts, a longish putt where you are just trying to get the ball near enough the hole to make the next one. I would sometimes get the yips on long lag putts and could miss the hole by as many as ten feet. I changed my putting grip and that made a difference. I’ve seen previously fine golfers even unable to complete a golf swing. Or even start one. I have a friend who was a decent golfer stand before a ball and do a “waggle” 40 times and still not be able to begin a swing. We, as players tried to be patient as he worked through this, but found it difficult to even watch. The yips are involuntary muscle spasms that have baffled sports psychologists for years. The Mayo Clinic website has a page dedicated to the “yips.” Sports psychologists make a lot of money treating this affliction among the wealthier country club crowd.
And there is a certain word that is forbidden on a golf course. Not a swear word, though, as you might think. A very loud “f***” can often be heard, or variations of that word often beginning with mother. Remember George Carlin’s routine about those seven words you can’t say on television from years ago? All seven of those words can regularly be heard on a golf course used one at a time, or strung together like pearls on a curse necklace; even pros on television are sometimes heard uttering those words and others. No, not those ordinary swear words. I’m talking about a confidence sapping, terror inducing word. This word is not forbidden by management, but by other golfers in an unspoken bond of golfers. Just hearing this word will make knees wobble, foreheads sweat, and hands tremble.
The word I’m thinking of is “shank.” There, I said it. A shank results when for some unknown, unpredictable, unforeseen reason the club face strikes the ball slightly toward the hosel of the club, the area where the shaft connects to the club, and as a result the ball shoots out low to the right at an unexpected 45 degree angle. There is no known explanation for this event, everyone has done it. The memory does eventually fade, but there is a silent pact among golfers to not utter that dreaded word. We try not to think about it. Sorry I even brought it up.

22) Cheating. There are two types of cheating: fair and unfair. Unfair cheating is frowned upon. Claiming a 5 when we all saw someone take at least 7 swings at a ball is pretty rare but is considered unfair cheating. Claiming 7 instead of 9 is more likely given that we likely lose interest in paying attention to that golfer. Secretly dropping a ball in an area where the ball may have gone out of bounds or is lost and loudly proclaiming, “I found it!” is unfair cheating. Golfers have been known to make a large hole in one of the pockets in their trousers so as to secretly release a ball under their pant leg onto the turf. The more brazen, do a quick glance around and if no one is looking will simply drop a ball on the grass. Those golfers tend to lose playing partners over time. Kicking another player’s ball off a green or into a sand trap without their knowledge is unfair cheating. President Trump is well known to have done this and is considered to be an unfair cheater. Doing those things in plain view of the other player is not unfair cheating and is considered a form of good-natured joking and horseplay and the other player is allowed to replace the ball in its original location. Stomping on the other player’s ball in order to grind it into the soil in their plain view falls under this category of fair cheating. Note, however, that this is generally reserved for informal, quarter-a-skin, once a week golfing among friends, and does not happen in the pros.
We amateurs regularly bend the strict rules of golf, but we all agree to do it, and we do not consider that unfair cheating. For example, if a ball is hit out of bounds, the rule says take the stroke, add 1 penalty stroke, drop a ball from the same place you hit the errant shot, and hit it again, which is called stroke and distance. Instead, we will walk to the place where the ball went out to the best of our knowledge and drop a ball within several club lengths of where it went out, take a stroke penalty, then hit the dropped ball. It speeds up play and will generally reduce the strokes on that hole by 1 shot. Mulligans, or do-overs, are another form of fair cheating. Sometimes called a breakfast ball, a strange metaphor, it allows a retry on a shot, sometimes limited to the first tee shot of the day, other times more portable throughout a round. The important aspect of a mulligan is that they are negotiated and agreed upon before the round begins. In organized scramble tournaments, you can often purchase one or more mulligans for a tournament round.
We also will improve our lie. We play on public courses and they can be pretty rough, including bare dirt patches in the middle of a fairway or even concrete chunks that work their way to their surface from their original landfill locations. So we use the club head and nudge the ball a bit so it’s not sitting down in between two clumps of grass, or in a divot, or on top of an aforesaid chunk of concrete. A PGA rule I think should be implemented is to allow pros to take a free drop from a divot in a fairway. Pros are currently not allowed to do that and will sometimes hit a beautiful drive in the fairway only to roll and finally settle into some else’s divot from a previous shot. They are required to play the ball as it lies in that example. Tour pros generally do not play on courses reclaimed from landfill operations and so do not worry so much about chunks of concrete.
Unfair cheating also includes things like messing the Velcro on your golf glove while someone else is in the intense quiet concentration mode of a swing. Or standing too close to a golfer attempting a shot. Or moving within their field of view while they are attempting a shot. Cart riders will often be unaware of you attempting a shot and will rev their cart motor or take off before you complete your shot. This is distracting and considered and tacky, but if they did it deliberately, then it is unfair cheating.
None of my partners deliberately cheat unfairly. And we all break the strict rules in a predictable and agreed upon and fair manner.

23) Course Selection – Golf is not an inexpensive hobby, and it’s not completely a matter of free will either. In my case, I am cursed with some golf talent. Not a lot, but enough that I consider myself to be in the top 1 million golfers in the world. I once placed 30th or so in an Omaha golf tournament. I even won an event at the Field Club golf course a few years ago. It was a Nebraska Cornhuskers fundraising tournament where we were paired up with former Nebraska Cornhusker football players. I’m fairly certain that I was in a group including Clete Blakeman, a former quarterback, and now an NFL referee of some note. I shot a 71 and won a golf shirt. Bob Devaney spoke at the dinner.

Ch. 24 Singular Achievements and Shooting Your Age
Speaking of singular achievements, good golfers can chase a hole-in-one their entire golfing life and not get one. It took me about 55 years to get one which I did in May of 2015 at Okoboji View Golf Course in northern Iowa. My two regular playing partners have at least 7 between them which irritates me to no end. One got two in the same week on two different continents. I see stories about 10-year-old kids getting one on the first round of their lives. I want to hunt them down and run them over with a golf cart. I’ve seen ugly holes-in-one where players mishit their shots and roll and bounce the ball onto the green and it somehow hits the pin and drops in the hole. The mother of a former girlfriend did that hitting a driver on a short par 3 hole. I totally missed the green with I was so rattled. Holes-in-one are most often gotten on par 3 holes. But holes-in-one have been recorded on par 4 holes and even par 5 holes. A hole-in-one on a par 5 hole is called a condor, and as you might imagine is quite rare and involves cutting the corners of a dogleg over trees to accomplish. A great deal of skill is required for any of these, as well as considerable blind luck.
A double-eagle is also a quite rare bird, called an albatross. That’s a 2 on a par 5 hole. The odds are about 6 million to one on that. Unlike the “Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner” in which the ancient mariner shooting an albatross leads to great misfortune, the one I shot lead to no misfortune, and in fact, I won a couple of bucks on it. I shot my albatross years ago at Benson Golf Course in Omaha, the par 5, 11th hole, using a 3 wood and 7 iron. I must have hit the ball much farther back then. I knew I hit a good second shot but didn’t see it go in because of sun’s glare off the brown, shiny grass. As I approached the green, I mentioned to my playing partners that I had hit a good shot but that I couldn’t see it anywhere. “It was going right at it,” I said. One of my playing partners, Ray, I think, checked the hole, and there it was. When we play that same hole these days, I will often ask my playing partners who were with me that day if I ever told them the story of that shot. I think I’ve asked them that at least a hundred times since then. They never tire of it, I’m sure.
Shooting your age is another rare feat. One internet golf site says the odds are 1 in a million which is even rarer than the double-eagle. Only the best golfers in their primes can shoot a 68, for example, and that is usually in their younger years. For a 68-year-old to shoot a 68 is quite an accomplishment. It’s all about where physical golf skill and actuarial tables intersect on a line graph. For example, a score of 130 is very achievable by even the average duffer, but living to be 130 in order to do that is not nearly as easy. Virtually any old 160 old grandmother in good physical condition could do it. Ages 72-75 or 76 seem to be the most likely range of the intersection of good health and good scoring for a good golfer.
According to an internet golf records site, a guy named Bob Hamilton, the 1944 PGA Championship winner, shot his age of 59 at Hamilton Golf Club in Evansville, Ind., in 1975. “The oldest golfer to shoot his age was 103-year-old Arthur Thompson of Victoria, British Columbia. Thompson was playing the Uplands Golf Club in Victoria when he accomplished the feat in 1972.” And finally, T. Edison Smith, of Moorhead, Minnesota, shot his age an amazing 3,359 times before dying at the age of 98 in 2012. He apparently golfed a lot.
I shot one of my playing partner’s age with a 71 last year, but I was 66, and it was my friend who was 71, so it didn’t really count. I’ve shot the temperature many times before on 75 or 80 degree days. The best score I ever had on a full-sized 18 hole course was a 67. I am now 67. Therefore, shooting my age now seems a possibility. I will sometimes play the senior tees which would seem to be my best chance to do this in the next few years. I figure I’ve probably got maybe 10 to 20 years years to accomplish this feat, depending on mortality factors. My dad lived to be 89.
The most important elements in this probability equation is play lots of golf and don’t die.

Ch. 25 How to Miss a Two-and-a-half Foot Putt
This is deceptively easy. On Thursday, I was playing with golfing partners Pat and Bob at Tara Hills Villas in Papillion, Ne. It was a November and the temperature climbed into the 50s. I was putting exceptionally well, making four, five, six, eight footers, sidehill breaking putts, and delicate downhill putts, and chipping the ball to tap-in lengths. The skins were mounting up as we tied off hole after hole. Finally on hole #7, a short par 4 hole, with a dogleg left, I cut the corner with a high towering drive, caught a few tree branches, but dropped on the far side of the tree with a clear 90 yard shot to the green, and I put a pitching wedge to about two and a half feet just past the hole. The putt was worth $2.50 in skins. It was a straight putt, and slightly downhill. After my playing partners made a par and a bogey, I lined up my short birdie putt.
I made a few practice putting strokes thinking all the thoughts golfers think when faced with such a makeable putt. I was trying to think positive thoughts of the hundreds if not thousands of times I had made such a putt. “Just keep the putter face square to the target line,” I thought. “Make a normal, smooth stroke,” I thought. “Get to one under par with this putt,” I thought. And then I missed it wide right by a good inch. “F***,” I exclaimed. “Son of a b****,” I said, shaking my head as I scooped up the ball in disgust, shocked, dismayed, shaken, rattled, perturbed, irritated, cursing my way up the hill to the next tee box. “I can’t believe what I just saw,” said Bob. The trouble with golf is that unless that is your putt on hole #18, you have only a few seconds to recompose yourself for the next tee shot.
I really don’t know how I missed that putt. The motion felt smooth, my alignment seemed true, my breathing was regular, I felt no yip spasms. The ball just came off the putter heading to the right. Perhaps I had struck the edge of a dimple or a grain of sand adhering to the ball. If I had a slow motion video of the putt, I could analyze the putting stroke that had so tragically gone wrong. I could play it over and over and over again reliving that moment of abject failure determined to find the cause of that lost opportunity. On the next hole, though, I made a 10 foot sidehill breaking putt to tie the hole and continue the skins for another hole. The formula for percent of putts made from any given distance among pro golfers is as follows: P= putts, Y= yips or possibly why not?, n= n, d=distance, z=slope, f=f***, a commonly uttered four letter word.
Chapter26 - Trouble-shooting Your Way Around a Golf Course
Ball Above Your Feet
It is commonly thought that if the ball is above your feet, and all things being equal, a normal shot will end up left of the intended target. When I say “above your feet,” I don’t mean floating in mid-air, I mean that the ground is sloped upward toward the ball as sometimes happens if you roll up to the edge of a bunker for example, or the course is just hilly.
A skilled golfer will try to compensate for this by aiming to the right of the intended target. For the rest of us, if we aim to the right of the target, the ball goes, well, right of the target. If we do not aim to the right, then the ball goes left of the intended target as predicted by the physics and geometry of the golf swing. No matter what you do, you cannot actually propel the ball to the desired location, so just hit it and go hit it again until you get on the green. The theory is all things being equal the ball should go left; but given that a typical golf swing has a million or so variables, the swing is more governed by chaos theory than Iron Byron’s mechanical duplicability. So just take a whack at it. It will be most likely an accident if you get it close.
Ball Below Your Feet
See “Ball Above Your Feet “ and do the opposite.
Downhill lie
The position of the shoulders is paramount for this shot. Normally, for a right-handed golfer, the right shoulder would be slightly lower than the left because your right hand is lower on the club. You probably thought the arms and shoulders formed an isosceles triangle, but that would be wrong. The two upper angles are not the same. The angle of the left shoulder is slightly sharper than the angle of the right shoulder. For a downhill lie you should adjust your shoulders so they are more or less parallel to the ground. Think the sum of the squares of the two sides of an isosceles triangle are equal to the sum of the squares of the hypotenuse, like in the Wizard of Oz. Technically, this only applies to right triangles and I use this example for purposes of illustration only. But f you do not attempt this, you will likely hit the ground behind the ball thus slowing the club considerably and hitting the ball on the rebounded upswing. The result is that the ball will roll along the ground, never having the distance to get to the green. The other possible outcome is that you miss the ball entirely and it remains in the exact same spot. So try again. Or as Yoda would say, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Yoda was a 3 handicapper.

Uphill lie
See “Downhill” lie and do the opposite. Aim left.
Sidehill putts
Golfers are often left with sidehill putts because green designers like slopes on greens. The slopes facilitate the drainage of water and increase the difficulty of putting. You might have a ball that breaks left or it may break to the right. It may be slightly or drastically uphill or downhill. Gravity is the force which causes the ball to arc downward on a slope trending towards the center of the earth, i.e., the center of the force of gravity. The formula is:
or roughly 32 feet per second per second.
You must keep this in mind as you determine the speed and direction of your putt. There are an infinite number of combinations of speed and direction which will result in your ball falling the last few inches into the cup toward the center of the earth on any given 8 foot putt. The fact that there an infinite number of combinations would lead one to believe these putts could never be missed. However, there are an even greater number of infinite combinations of speed and direction which will not result in your ball falling the last few inches toward the center of the earth on any given 8-foot putt. If say, you aim 12 inches to the right of the hole, and putt the ball with force of x, it may or may not go in, but if you aim 12 inches to the right of the hole and putt the ball with force of x-5, it might just go in. In other words, a putt aimed 11 inches to the right would have to be struck slightly harder thus increasing its velocity reducing the force of gravity’s effect on the ball as it approached the cup. This can be further complicated by the fact that the farther to the right you aim, you may actually be putting uphill for the beginning portion of the downhill putt. You must calculate the first gravitational effect on the putt for its uphill portion of the journey as well. So the formula is something like infinity #1 (the uphill portion of the downhill putt) plus infinity #2 (the downhill portion of the downhill putt) times 32 feet per second per second. In other words: The standard form is (x - h)2 = 4p (y - k), where the focus is (h, k + p) and the directrix is y = k - p. If the parabola is rotated so that its vertex is (h,k) and its axis of symmetry is parallel to the x-axis, it has an equation of (y - k)2 = 4p (x - h), where the focus is (h + p, k) and the directrix is x = h - p.
Sometimes a green will have multiple breaks, sloping to the left and then sloping to right, or vice versa, in which case you have an even greater number of infinite combinations of speed and direction. How one infinity can be greater than another infinity? you ask. Well, this is, I am sure, a philosophical and mathematical conundrum and the source of great speculation (see Georg Cantor, German mathematician on the “cardinality of the continuum” or Liebniz; also see Aristotle’s discussion regarding the potential infinite and the actual infinite; and my question, for example, would be: “can more angels dance on the head of two pins than on one pin?”). But on the golf course these infinities are not abstract, they are the difference between a par and a bogey, the difference between having a 12-inch tap in par putt or a 5-foot uphill sidehill comeback putt.
When putting, golfers must also decide on whether to increase the speed of putt slightly thus allowing gravity less time for that 32 feet per second per second to influence the curvature of the line of the putt or to decrease the speed thus allowing gravity more time for that 32 feet per second per second to influence said curvature. A common mistake is to pick the “slow line” and hit it the “fast line” intended velocity or to do the opposite, pick the “fast line” and hit the putt the “slow line” velocity.” That seldom works. So don’t do that. And keep in mind that friction of the ball rolling on the green will slow the velocity of the ball thus increasing its break as the force of gravity works its magic.
Occasionally, the force of gravity is greater than the friction of the ball on a downhill sidehill putt and you may actually putt the ball completely off the green. This is embarrassing when it happens. In US Open and other golf tournaments, greens often are virtually frictionless due to the secret application of Teflon mist during the overnight hours. A ball sent in motion will continue with no apparent deceleration whatsoever as the force of gravity is greater than the now frictionless putting surface.
More often, a player fails to recognize the gravity of the situation as happened to Ollie Schneiderjans in the Phoenix Waste Management Tournament in Feb. of 2018. Ollie had a 74-foot putt for eagle after driving the green on the par 4 17th hole. He misjudged both speed and direction and hit his putt too hard and rolled it into a pond as the gravitational forces increased when the ball left the putting surface and accelerated 32 ft per second per second minus the slight deceleration due to the bouncing ball’s friction as it contacted the grass of the fringe down the slope leading to the water. After a penalty stroke and a drop, he finished with a bogey. The video of the event shows him pointing to his brain after the putt clearly indicating he had failed to use the above gravitational formula in attempting this putt.
And while it is true that gravitational forces can vary from place to place due to density differences in the crust and mantle of the earth, or the distance from the center of the earth’s gravitational influence, and even on how fast time happens, these differences are minute and likely play no role in making an 8-foot sidehill, downhill, breaking putt.
A tip - avoid the "power lip-out." This occurs when the ball becomes influenced by the micro-gravity well at the time/space continuum event horizon of the cup. On a cup cut into a sloping green, one side of the slope is higher than the other and the difference is a variable [r=radius] in the gravitational acceleration formula above. An eighth of an inch or a quarter of an inch may not seem like much, but when applied to Newton's First Law of Motion in which Force = Mass x Acceleration, it can mean the difference between a birdie and a bogey. As the ball enters the cup it accelerates toward the center of gravity of the Earth and 32 feet per second per second. When (r=3959 miles) you get one result; however, when (r=3959 miles -1/4 inch) you get a different result. Not including that radii differential in your calculations is an egregious error. If a ball is struck ever slightly too firmly and the gravity well event horizon of the cup is unable to overcome the inertial forces of the ball in motion, and you manage to find that one out of an infinite number of combinations of speed and direction, the ball may accelerate as it moves toward the gravitational center of the earth, dip slightly below the planar surface of the opening and if the downward slope of the cup edge is greater than the gravitational forces can overcome, the ball may then escape the gravity well and accelerate away from the hole at a greater speed than which it entered the cup. And instead of making a more or less routine two-foot tap-in putt for birdie, you are left with a six-foot comeback putt, albeit a straighter putt for par. NASA often "slingshots" satellites in a similar acceleration maneuver around the sun or planets in our solar system thus applying the gravity well acceleration principles of physics to spacecraft moving among the heavenly bodies. This part of golf may actually BE rocket science as this diagram (Figure 1) clearly illustrates.

In addition, even on level putts, a golfer may perceive the ball lip out of the cup at a greater speed than that which it entered the cup. This perception may be influenced by the adrenalin pumping into the golfer’s system accompanied by a loud vocalized obscenity as the ball exits the cup. Alcoholic consumption may also be a factor in 1) mis-hitting the putt in the first place, and 2) the above mentioned perception. But this perception is an illusion. Laws of angular momentum (Figure 2)would state that as the lesser diameter areas of the ball rotate against the cup edge, negative acceleration would occur in addition to the gravitational deceleration which would occur as the ball moved away from the center of gravity. However, laws of angular momentum do apply for a sidehill downhill or uphill putt because when the diameter of the ball’s surface touching the cup edge increases as the ball enters the planar surface of the cup hole, the center of mass of the ball decreases the distance to the imaginary rotational center of the void of the hole, and thus speeds up as if a ballerina were bringing her arms toward her center of mass. In other words, in modern (20th century) theoretical physics, angular momentum (not including any intrinsic angular momentum –) is described using a different formalism, instead of a classical pseudovector. In this formalism, angular momentum is the 2-form Noether charge associated with rotational invariance. As a result, angular momentum is not conserved for general curved spacetimes, unless it happens to be asymptotically rotationally invariant as you can plainly see in the accompanying Figure 3..

So with all this in mind, my advice is keep it simple: when faced with that 8 foot sidehill downhill, breaking putt just remember the gravitational acceleration rate, the formula for the arc of a parabola, the potential and actual infinities of speed and direction from which you can choose, the cardinality of the continuum, the law of the conservation of angular momentum, the rolling friction coefficient of the ball on the grass due to grass cut length, the rate at which the grass has grown since last mown, the direction of the grain, the moisture content of the grass blade, the surface wind, the barometric pressure, the air temperature, whether you are playing a 2, 3, 4, or 5 layer ball, the shape and configuration of the dimples of the ball and how that relates to the force you use to contact the ball with the putter surface, the composition of the ball cover and its shock absorbing characteristics when struck with the putter surface, milled, or un-milled; try to avoid striking the ball on the edge of a dimple, avoid the power lip-out, stay calm, exhale, close your eyes, and proceed to attempt the putt. And remember in spite of the many variables described above, the end result is binary; it either goes in or it doesn’t. And hurry up because those fellows waiting their turn on this hole are getting impatient with your dithering.


Ch. 27 The Golf Shot
I had a really good golf shot Tuesday.
It's a rare thing for amateurs like me
to hit a really good golf shot.
Now, "golf shot" is a term of art in golf.
It's not just any ordinary good drive,
or iron shot, or chip.
It's a specialty shot to get around trouble
or obstacles of a high degree on the official golf shot
degree of difficulty scale.
It's a skilled shot that requires a degree
of accuracy and coordination
equivalent to a black belt brain surgeon
like Buckaroo Banzai,
or the guy in the pit at Jiffy Lube.
So what was this great "golf shot" you ask?
Well, I hit my drive on hole 18 into the wrong fairway.
Not a great golf shot that, you are thinking.
But then I had to hit around and over some high trees,
a sand bunker in front of the green,
from about 170 yards,
with the possibility of winning $1.50 on that hole.
Talk about pressure.
So I took my stance, espied the target
through a sightline gap in the
forest of death wall in front of me,
swung mightily, like Casey at bat, heard the
perfect click of the golf ball
on the club face of my #3 hybrid, and then watched.
My "golf shot" rose like a phoenix from the ashes,
soared like an eagle, maybe a hawk,
around and over those high trees,
gently curving onto the green, bouncing
twice or thrice, and settled to rest
where I then two-putted for a par
from about 40 feet.
The spin on the ball has to be done just right
or the ball will move left to right
or right to left not enough or too much.
Why so pleased with yourself about a shot
that lands 40 feet from the hole you ask?
Well, first you try it and let me know how you do.
Ok, that was a bit snarky. I'll tell you.
Just because sometimes it's a shot like that
makes your round and
stops you from throwing your clubs
into the local pond
and compels you to try again next week.
It's Plato's ideal shot of the good,
it's Robin Hood firing an arrow
into an arrow and splitting it
down the center of the shaft,
it's perfection, truth, and beauty
on a Grecian urn.
It's a moment of unity with the universe,
a zen thing,
a shot that would make the Buddha smile,
a Summa Theologica of dufferhood,
a transcendentalism of the 5 handicapper.
It's a golf shot heard round the world.
It's the shot God would have made
on the seventh day if God had
had the sense to golf.
My cart partner Bob was appreciative
having hit his shot to six inches on the
previous par three hole and was having his
own epiphanic experience and
was the only one of our foursome
to see the shot, as my other two partners
were hitting and cursing their way to the green
in our usual ordinary manner
and weren't even watching me.
I told them all about it several times though
as we debriefed our rounds and settled up the bets.
I will tell them again at the earliest opportunity.


Ch. 28 Golf and Metaphor
We play skins. You can skull a shot. orig. Scandanavian skulle. He killed it. We give each other strokes. You can hit a cut shot. Drive, irons, and putts. Shank and slice. We shoot a score. Make a shot. We sometimes are in bunkers or otherwise surrounded by hazards. We might say a player is on fire. Sometimes we say, “There was no blood on that hole,” meaning no one won a skin.




Ch. 29 “On Golf and Golfing –The stages of Grief”
Being only vaguely familiar with Swiss psychiatrist Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as described in On Death and Dying won’t stop me from suggesting that in golf, there are the same five stages of grief after many rounds of golf.
Denial – I can’t believe I shanked that ball into the water. I can’t believe I hit that drive out of bounds. I can’t believe I still play this game. I can’t believe you made that 45 foot breaking putt. These greens suck. These fairways are terrible.
Anger –Broken clubs are a not totally uncommon sight in the small steel mesh trash bins found next to the ball washers on each tee box. Loud curses of “F***,” “Son of a b****,” “God d*** it,” “Sh**,” are all too often heard on golf courses, especially if Tiger Woods is playing. I’ve personally seen players, ordinarily sane and rational people, break clubs on trees, fence posts, concrete cart paths, and over knees. I’ve seen entire bags of clubs thrown into ponds. Anger is stage two. Rory McIlroy threw his 3 iron into a pond at the Doral, Florida in March of this year. Tommy Bolt, Sergio Garcia, Craig Stadler, John Daly, Henrik Stensen, Colin Montgomerie, all professional golfers, have all broken more than one club smashing it into the ground, over a knee, or tree during a round of golf……..

Bargaining – Please God, let me break 80 today. Please God, let me make this putt and I’ll never play on a Sunday morning again….. “Well, at least it’s good exercise,” we say as we make bogey after bogey after bogey.
Depression – Feelings of emptiness then intrude when we shoot a 92 or miss that 4 footer for a 79. A realization that we may never have another good round of golf is accompanied by a deep and abiding sadness. The feeling that you’ll never play again is common.
Acceptance – But in a day or two, one accepts the new reality embodied in that last round and gets back to living life. In fact, we most often begin to enjoy life again. And then before you know it, you’re on the phone to Shoreline to get a Friday afternoon tee time……….and actually look forward to it.





Chapter 30 Correlations


I have been keeping a spreadsheet for each round of golf I play for some time now. I enter scores, number of birdies, par, bogeys, putts, good shots, bad shots, sand saves, feet of putts made, and money won and lost. After about two hundred rounds, I believe I have collected sufficient data and have reached a stunning conclusion and am wanting to share it with all my friends.
For just $19.99, I will share my secrets. No, just kidding. This is free.
I have discovered a correlation between the numbers of good shots, bad shots, and putts, and one’s final score. You may scoff, but here is my proof in mathematical and anecdotal forms for my left brain and right brain friends:
Let’s say I have 35 bad shots and 20 good ones, and have just an average putting day, for me that’s about 32 putts per round. That combination correlates to a score of plus or minus 82 with a margin of error of 3.5. On a day with 25 bad shots and only 15 good ones I could be expected to shoot an 85 with the same margin of error. Or let’s say I have a good putting day with only 28 putts, 33 bad shots, and 23 good ones. On a day like that, I have a 67% chance of shooting a 78. No that’s not bad. Or if you are not yet convinced, let’s say I had 29 putts, 34 good shots, and only 8 bad shots, and chipped in on hole #7 for a birdie. According to the formula above, I had an 85% chance of shooting a 74, with a margin of error of >2.
Now you may say, “This is stupid. Of course, there is a correlation. Any numbnut could tell you that.” But to that I say, “If it’s so easy, then why don’t more golfers follow these simple steps: hit more good shots than bad ones, take fewer putts, and chip in occasionally. The pros do it. They know.” Ind finally, I leave you with this: “No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.” —Unknown