The Civil War Didn't Happen, Demonic Possessions, and Donald Trump's Hair

Voting Rights Act - I predict the Supreme Court will rule in a 5-4 decision that slavery, the Civil War, and racial discrimination did not really happen in overturning the Voting Rights Act. Absent those events, no compelling national interest for a Voting Rights Act has been established. In an unusual move, David Barton, self proclaimed historian, has been retained to write the actual decision. David Barton is well known for his work that proves Thomas Jefferson was actually a born again Evangelical Pentecostal Christian who was speaking in tongues when he penned the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson, Barton points out, hated Charles Darwin and public schools as well. The Texas School Board is celebrating the decision and will immediately strike all references to slavery, the Civil War, and racial discrimination from all its public school textbooks. Although Mr. Barton's latest book, "Jefferson's Lies," has been pulled by the publisher from public sale for making sh** up he is happily rewriting history on his personal blog and in the Republican Party platforms.................................................................................................................................................................................................... In a stunning major shift of US foreign policy, the Senate this week approved former Al Quaida member and North Korean double agent, Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, today as Secretary of Defense after weeks of bitter Republican opposition to their former colleague. Senator Hagel had to resign his position as a North Korean double-agent. "I felt that was the only proper thing to do because not only must a government official avoid conflicts-of-interest, one must also avoid the appearance of a conflict-of-interest. I believe I could continued as a North Korean double-agent, but political prudence prevailed in this matter," according to the now confirmed Defense Secretary. "I have also put my Iranian holdings into a blind trust and will be attending a non-denominational Christian church rather than the Shiite mosque I usually attend," he said. "My summer vacations at Al Quaida training camps will be missed though," he added. Republican Senator Ted Cruz, fresh from spreading unfounded rumors about Senator Hagel has refocused his efforts to exposing communists at Harvard University. "My work on spreading unfounded rumors about Chuck Hagel is now done. I have seen reports that someone said that someone heard that Fidel Castro will become President for Life at Harvard University and endow a Josef Stalin Chair of Ho Chi Minh Studies. This is a very serious matter and, whether or not it is true, deserves my full attention. This is what the people of Texas want me to do." ....................................................................................................................................................In Breaking news from North Korea - North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong un announced today he is ending North Korea's nuclear weapons program and is resigning as president and will join the Harlem Globetrotters as a scoring point guard. "This has been my life's dream," he said. "Dennis Rodman's outreach has been the inspiration for me to follow my dream."..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... More News on Horse DNA - Actual Headline: "Ikea Pulls Wiener Sausages As Horse Meat Nightmare Continues." Ikea has also been forced to recall numerous other products after horse DNA was found in a dining room set and a television stand. And in the US, horse DNA found in Donald Trump's hair. One theory is he said he wanted mousse and the hair dresser thought he said horse. No other official explanation has been given. .............................................................................................................................................................................. There were several strange comments in the news during the week: Secretary of State John Kerry said "Americans have the right to be stupid." I think he went on to say it wasn't necessarily a good idea, though. And Pat Robertson had reason to comment on demonic possession of used clothing sold at thrift shops: Not all clothing bought from Goodwill or other thrift shops will have demonic possession. But there might be some. And from Michele Bachmann on her failed Presidential bid: “I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t get anything wrong that I said during the course of the debates." She didn't get anything right either, I'd say................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... On going shopping with my mother: So I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon and on her list were caramel flavored rice cakes. We went up and down the various aisles looking for items she wanted all the while keeping an eye out for the rice cakes. Up and down the bread aisle, the cereal aisle, the rice aisle, the snack cake aisles and couldn't find them. I asked one store employee where we might find them and he pointed us back the the bread and snack cake aisles. But they still were not there, so finally I found another employee who didn't know either but shouted across to a third employee and he knew where they were: between the vinegar and aluminum foil pans on aisle 7. I'm no expert on store design, but between the vinegar and aluminum foil pans seems like a strange place for caramel flavored rice cakes.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The NRA continues its public relations offensive, and I do mean offensive. Wayne LaPierre's latest proposal is to require all public elementary school systems to arm their janitors with rocket propelled grenades. "We believe this would provide a deterrent effect. A person would have to be stark raving crazy to try to attack children knowing the janitors were armed. If I were a stark raving gun toting lunatic (pause here to let the irony sink in), I'd think twice before attacking a school." And Stephen Colbert had the best analysis of the dangers facing Americans in their homes: "Sure, my family is less safe because I have a gun in the house. But isn't that a small price to pay for my family's safety?"......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... In other news, Glenn Beck, who used to tell lies on Fox News but now tells lies on an internet program, calls WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) fans "stupid" and gets challenged to attend an event. Better be careful, Mr. Beck. I remember Andy Kaufman walking around in a neck brace for weeks after he was pile-driven into the mat. As far as the "stupid" comment goes, though, they've met their match in you.............................................................................................................................................................................. First Lady Michelle Obama announces Best Picture Oscar Winner "Argo" from White House; outraged Republicans vow to fight. People seemed more upset that Argo rewrote history than they were when the Texas School Board took Thomas Jefferson out of their history books......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The US Air Force will drop poisoned dead baby mice into tree tops one by one from a helicopter to rid Guam of brown tree snakes. And, believe it or not, this is the best plan put forward after ten years of study................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. News from the Vatican: reports are surfacing that Catholics are fearful that having gays in the church will give its pedophiles a bad name. Time will tell how this sorts itself out.