artbycassiday

Thursday, May 07, 2015

The Building of the Transcendental Railroad

Conspiracy theories in Texas are back in the news: a military training exercise scheduled for this summer, Jade Helm 15, is really a pretext for the US to invade Texas, according to a number of very paranoid Texans. The United States Military, in conjunction with ISIS and Walmart, are preparing to impose martial law, Sharia, and health care for everyone. The secret underground tunnels connecting abandoned Walmart stores so that ISIS can secretly move about is the brilliant stroke of conspiracy genius in this daring invasion plan. Walmart Stores, I kid you not, issued a public statement denying their involvement in any plan to invade Texas. Current Governor Greg Abbot will be calling up the Texas National Guard to "monitor" US troops. Well armed paranoid militias will be on high alert. Former Governor Rick Perry, not particularly known for lucidity, said it was time for Texans to stop this insanity. So both Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, Republican candidates for President, and trying to get the wacko vote, said they would ask the Pentagon whether it was planning to invade Texas and impose martial law in conjunction with Walmart and ISIS. So both Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, Republican candidates for President, and trying to get the wacko vote, said they would ask the Pentagon whether it was planning to invade Texas and impose martial law in conjunction with Walmart and ISIS. So apparently they think the Pentagon would admit it if they were...... Imagine the conversation: "Hello Pentagon, this is Senator Ted Cruz. Are you guys planning to invade Texas in conjunction with ISIS and Walmart to impose Sharia, martial law, and universal health care? You heard me right. No? Why are you laughing? I'm a US Senator. Quit laughing. No, I'm not drunk. I am too a Senator. No, I'm not off my meds. Quit laughing. No, I'm not a bat sh** crazy f****** moron. No this is not a college fraternity prank. And no, this is not Candid Camera either. Quit laughing I said. No, I'm not kidding. I really am a US Senator. Well, okay, never mind. Thanks. Goodbye." * * * * * * * * * Several more Republicans announced their candidacies for President of the United States: Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, and Mike Huckabee. Sweet Jesus, please help us. * * * * * * * * Fact checking organizations like Politifact.com and Factcheck.org announced today they would no longer point out when Republican Presidential candidates misstate facts. "Fibbing is their default position and we just don't have the time or resources to keep up now that there are half a dozen candidates in the field. From now on, we will only make a comment in the rare instance when one of them says something true. It will make our lives so much easier," said a prominent fact checker. "You may not hear from us again." * * * * * * * * So I was reading a student essay about trains today and in one paragraph he wrote about the challenges in building the transcendental railroad across the country. Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson would have liked that. * * * * * * * * * With the charges against police officers in Baltimore in the death of Freddie Gray, police departments across the country are reviewing old cases. Officials in one state are reopening an investigation of a death by police where the 145 gunshot wounds were ruled to be "self-inflicted." * * * * * * * * * Now that Bernie Sanders, Senator from Vermont and a proud democratic socialist, is running for the Democratic nomination for President, maybe we'll finally get an accurate definition of socialism into the nation's vocabulary. At least now, when Republicans accuse him of being a "socialist," they'll be right.

2 Comments:

Blogger Greg Kosmicki said...

Only the Republican wackos could come up with this one--It's too crazy to be true, right? Isn't this "The Onion" making this stuff up? Tell me this is America, the most enlightened county in the history of the world, and it's 2015, and that it's not real. Please! I've got to believe in something!

6:57 PM  
Blogger Scott Hoyt said...

Bud, I read your column at some risk because before I am done, I find myself nearly sick and choking with laughter and real close to peeing my pants. Carry on, Brother!
Scott

5:53 PM  

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