The House Select Oversight Committee on Investigating the Government Shutdown Gives Up

Congressman Darrell Issa, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee investigating the shutdown of the government, released the $50 million, 100,000 page report on the shutdown of the US Government. "We interviewed thousands of people, heard testimony from hundreds of witnesses, looked at mountains of emails, letters, speech transcripts, letters, and other documents regarding the shutdown of the government and are able to report that we have found no reason for the shutdown. It appears to have happened for no good reason whatsoever," the report concluded. "Most of the testimony was incoherent gibberish about conspiracies, Kenyan socialists, 2nd Amendment rights," Issa said in a press conference. "A rational person can only conclude the shutdown occurred for no reason." The report said, Tea Party leader Senator Ted Cruz from Texas claimed to hear God in his head and kept repeating, "We won. We won. We won." And House Republican Leader John Boehner sobbed the whole time mumbling what sounded like, "We lost. We lost. We lost." Other Republican party leaders kept saying Benghazi over and over again, or IRS, IRS, IRS, or Kenyan socialist. One Tea Party Witness kept screaming "Keep Government out of my Medicare." "We never could figure that one out," Issa said. The report did conclude that the shutdown and debt ceiling brinksmanship cost $24 billion in lost economic activity, will reduce quarterly growth by 20% for months to come, caused a severe loss in wages for several million Americans, and nearly triggered a world wide recession. "The American People," Issa said, "have short memories, so Republicans are looking forward to the next opportunity to do this all this over again in a few short weeks." The report concluded: "We are concluding this investigation and will be returning to the ongoing pointless investigations of the attack in Benghazi, and the IRS scandals. And thank God the health care website is totally f***** up."