Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Bad Golf Made Easy and/or Funner

Bad Golf Made Easy and/or Funner by Bud Cassiday

I've golfed for many years and have here compiled my list of secrets for enjoying bad golf and now want to share them with other duffers everywhere.

1) How to bogey from 95 yards out in the middle of the fairway.

This is not as hard as it sounds. 95 yards away from the green after a drive on a par four hole, or after a second shot on a par 5 hole is a good place to be for an amateur golfer.. For most amateur golfers, men and women, that is a pitching wedge, or maybe a 9 iron for the older or younger golfers. So the key here is to make a bad second or third shot leaving yourself short sided with a difficult chip or pitch over a bunker, for example. From a prime position, you can, in one shot, put yourself in a difficult position and make it virtually impossible to get a third shot close to the pin. A lob wedge has about 97 ways to go wrong. A mishit lob wedge can travel anywhere from about 18 inches to 50 yards, and if the pin is 20 feet away, neither of those distances is optimal. So remember, a bad second shot is the key on a par 4, and a bad third shot on a par 5. I should add, though, that even if you hit a good second or third shot, you can still three putt and salvage your bogey.

2) How to swing harder for less distance.

Golf is a game of physics. Parabolic trajectories. Curving ball flights due to low pressure on the side of a spinning ball due to the angle and motion of the clubhead point of impact. Lift and drag due to ball spin and wind direction. Clubhead speed and the vertical angle of departure of the ball determined by the skill of the golfer and the club face loft. A ball with a draw spin will tend to bound forward and leftward upon landing. . A ball with fade or slice spin will tend to bound rightward upon landing.The composition of the golf ball cover also makes a difference. A hard cover ball tends to spin less than a softer cover ball

Probably the best way for the amateur golfer to hit shorter drives is to swing harder. This tends to result in an even more pronounced outside to inside swing path imparting sidespin to the ball. The more sidespin, the greater the slice, and the shorter the drive, often because the ball disappears into the trees, or the water, someone’s backyard, or the parking lot.

For lefties, the reverse is true.

3) Perfecting the skulled 9 iron shot.

This is a specialty shot that takes years to perfect. If you hit it correctly, on the right line and the right distance, this ugly shot can be beautiful. Normally, a 9 iron has a high trajectory and lands with some “bite,” meaning backspin that stops the ball rather quickly. A “skulled” 9 iron is one in which the club hits the ball on the upswing hitting the equator of the ball sending it on a low trajectory with no backspin and it hits well short of the green and rolls toward the pin. The secret to this shot is to mishit the shot so badly that it ends up about where you intended a well struck shot to land. If there is a pond in front of the green, do not try this shot. If there are greenside bunkers in your intended line of flight, do not attempt this shot. And be advised if you hit this shot too hard, you will fly over the green and into whatever hazard lies on the far side of the green. If you accomplish this shot, you should always inform your partners that you intended to do that. I like to say that I’ve been working on this shot for years. It is particularly gratifying if you win money as a result of this particular shot as your golfing partners will be incredulous, disgusted, and rattled as they hit their next shot.

4) How to play a push slice from the wrong fairway.

The push slice is a double-whammy of a bad shot, but occasionally it will be so badly hit that you actually have a shot to the green. When I do this I will say something like, “I hit that so bad that it’s okay.” If you are lucky, a push slice will often have a high trajectory and go over the tops of a tree lined fairway into an adjacent fairway. One hint for the next shot is don’t do it again. You may have a small opening between tree trunks if you like living dangerously. Otherwise, attempt a lofted iron to go over the trees more or less in the actual direction of the hole.

5) How to Hit a Bad Drive after a Birdie on the Previous Hole

We call this phenomenon the PBFU, the post birdie fuck-up. It is a well-recognized phenomenon and common occurrence everywhere golfers golf. A birdie is a significant accomplishment, usually pure luck, but often with a small element of skill involved. A birdie is one under the assigned par for that hole. A par four hole is usually 350 to 400 yards, sometimes a bit shorter and sometimes a bit longer. Pro golf tournaments feature Par 4 holes over 500 yards in length which is just ridiculous, but almost all pro golfers hit the ball so far that it makes you sick. Anyway, a birdie 2 on a par 3, or a 3 on a par 4, or a 4 on a par 5, are pretty good scores. So what happens is you are somewhat pumped up as you approach the next tee shot and often hit a bad drive. In that short walk from the green to the next tee box you are thinking you are an excellent golfer and you can do it on the next hole, too. The PBFU is a reminder from God that you are not a pro. And that pride goeth before the slice out of bounds.

6) How to hit a ball from the bottom of a lake.

I’m just kidding. You can’t do that. On the other hand, I have seen and have attempted, a) shots from the shallow water around the edges of a pond when the ball is not totally submerged and b) off the frozen surface of a golf course pond. Regarding the former, hit the ball as you would a sand shot: open the club face, hit about an inch behind the ball, and hope the ball flies somewhere. The next step is to wipe the mud off your face, shirt, and pants. Some golfers will remove their shoes for this shot. I saw a pro once on tv take off his pants as well to attempt this shot.
The ice shot requires more finesse because of physics: net force equals mass times acceleration, and if you fall, your mass times acceleration will most likely be enough force to crash through the ice. There are several keys to pulling this shot off. First, make sure the ice is thick enough to support your weight. There is no fool proof way to do this other than walking out there and determining if you have fallen through. In fact, the fact that you are attempting this shot suggests you might be the type of person and golfer for whom the phrase “fool proof” was invented. Second, do not attempt this in deep water where you might break through, become submerged, and drown. Nothing ruins a round of golf like drowning or seeing a partner go under. If the water is only waist deep, though, and the ice might just be thick enough, carefully walk toward the ball listening for cracking sounds. You will likely hear them but ignore that because you are already past the point of no return. But if you proceed cautiously, and successfully get to the ball, exhale slowly to remove the weight of the air in your lungs, take an even stance with the weight evenly distributed on each foot, swing at about half your normal swing speed. You should spread your feet a bit wider to better distribute the weight.

If you do all this, you have a better than average chance to hit the ball, not fall down, and not crash through the ice. I’ve done it; I’ve seen my golfing partners do it as well. This shot most often presents itself after a prolonged cold spell during winter months with an interval of just enough warmth to melt the snow on the course itself, but not the ice on the pond. If one of your golfing partners does crash through the ice, you first need to ask yourself is that person a good golfing partner. If so, attempt a rescue. You should carry an extra pair of socks, and pants if you have the requisite pockets in your golf bag, though, just in case, and perhaps a length of rope. Also, if two of your group's shots end up on the ice, have the heavier person go first. If they safely execute the shot, then the ice must be strong enough.

7) Four-putting made easy.

You may think this is difficult in estimating how bad a player has to be to do this. And it is true. It is rare. Most average putters can two putt regularly from, say, 15 feet or so. But a fast green with a downslope or a stiff breeze can make a four putt quite possible. Keep in mind that even pro golfers miss the occasional four footer. Maybe once in twenty. The key is to miss your first putt as badly as you can. I remember standing over a two foot putt at Dodge Park Golf Course in Council Bluffs, Iowa, a few years ago. It was a slick downhill putt with a small break from right to left. I took a short back stroke on my putter and missed my intended line by just a fraction of an inch and the ball picked up pace as it accelerated downhill past the hole and nearly off the green. Faced now with an 18 footer uphill, I left my second putt about six feet short and missed that. A short tap in fourth putt for a triple bogey was the result. A two footer for par became a four putt nightmare in a few short seconds. You walk off the green shaken, dismayed, rattled, and stunned.

8) How to recover from five bad shots in a row.

Most golfers will either by design or by accident hit a relatively okay shot every two or three attempts. The shots aren’t particularly good, but they have some redeeming aspect like they were in the general direction of the intended line, or it didn’t quite go far enough to dribble into the pond or the hazard, or at least they brought the green into the reachable zone for their next shot. Most golfers on an average public course tally their rounds by how many bad shots they make. Good golfers tally their rounds by how many good shots they make. For example, I shot a 71 the other day with only a couple of bad shots, 50 or so so-so shots, and 15 or so pretty good shots, and maybe three or four really good shots. The two bad shots resulted in bogeys. But five bad shots in a row tells me the person should probably give up golf altogether take up billiards or bowling. The best way to recover from five bad shots on a golf course is to have a couple of shots at the bar in the clubhouse.

9) Proper club throwing etiquette.

Always throw your club in the direction you are walking. This speeds up play and is appreciated by other golfers on the course, unless, of course, they are walking in front of you.

10) What to do when the divot travels farther than your ball.

This is embarrassing, but it does happen. Deliberately walk forward to the large chunk of dirt you unearthed and place it back in the oddly shaped gouge you just made on the nicely mown turf. Step on it to press the roots firmly back into the soil. Use the same club you previously used, because, let’s face it, you aren’t that much closer to the green. Hit it better this time.

11) How to get out of a sand bunker in four shots or less.

A sand shot can go wrong in many ways. Take too much sand and the ball may not clear the lip of the bunker and roll right back at your feet. Take too little sand and the ball may rocket out of the bunker like a well hit 3 iron and end up 75 yards farther away from the green than you were to begin with. Anyway, the secret is to take a deep breath, remain calm, and take another whack at it. The goal is to hit an inch or two behind the ball with a slightly opened club face so that the sand propels the ball not the club. After four unsuccessful sand shots, pick the ball up and throw out, but not nearer the hole. Assess yourself a penalty stroke, take your eight or nine on that hole and order a beer from the cart girl next time she rolls around. A long sand shot from a fairway bunker may require you to hit the ball and not the sand – good luck with that. You can practice that shot on a sidewalk where you try to hit the ball, not the sidewalk. A tip on practicing that shot is do not use your new $1,500 Taylor Made Aeroburners.

12) Replacing a ball in play.

A pro tour player is required to play the same brand and type of ball during a tournament, that is the brand and type of ball they have selected. Other players may choose a different brand and type, but they too must play the entire round with that brand and type of ball. A player may play a new ball every hole, but it has to be the same brand and type they began with. This is not a problem in that pros are given dozens of balls by golf ball companies for every tournament. Nikes, and Titleists, and Srixons, and Bridgestone are often the balls of choice. Players may also replace a damaged ball under certain circumstances, like a cracked cover, but must notify their playing partners, carefully mark the location of the ball, and replace the ball with one of the same brand and type.

Amateurs golfers, on the other hand, often have a pocket of the golf bag filled with several dozen “found balls” of different brands, colors, and different types, and readily switch at will and whim. I have used harder cover balls when playing into the wind and softer cover balls with the wind to attempt to gain an edge over my partners. I can’t swear it ever made a difference, but it seemed worth a shot. These balls, however, are often subjected to extreme cold or heat in that the golf bag in the trunk is subjected to the daily temperature which can affect their performance. On cold days, I will try to remember to bring a few balls into the house the night before an anticipated cold weather round to get that edge of a warmer ball traveling a bit farther than a cold one. My playing partners are also known to have adopted this strategy. However, we all do observe the prohibition of carrying a surreptitious portable ball warmer in the bag. I will carry an extra ball in my pants pocket to gain some of my body heat looking for that extra yard or two during the later part of a cold day’s round. I’ve also been known to fill the kitchen sink with hot water an hour or two before a cold weather round and put in half a dozen balls for use. It is permissible under the rules of golf to do this, wrap them in a towel, and place them in your golf bag. I do not believe this constitutes cheating. It would be cheating, however, to use a heated towel.

One other important note is that when you replace a ball after a bad shot, blame the ball. “There’s something wrong with that ball.”

13) "The Myth of 90% Air" - for any tree branch diameter, you also need to add 99% of the diameter of the golf ball on both sides of the branch, for if that 1% of the golf ball hits a branch it will be deflected proportionally. So a 1" diameter branch is for all practical purposes is nearly 3" in diameter and multiplying that branch times the number of branches, you are actually facing a virtually impenetrable solid object, like, say, a brick wall. And I might add, carrying a chainsaw is prohibited. So the official best practices advice on this is “Do not hit the ball into the trees.” And as playing partner Jerry says, "Don't f*** with pine trees."

14) Things to say to lighten the mood: "At least it was straight." "If the green was over there, that would have been a good shot." "Maybe it'll hit a turtle and bounce out." "That drive was short but crooked." "That shot looked really good until you hit it." "You made that 8 look easy." "That drive was sneaky long." "I like your bag."

15) A quick way to improve your putting stats.

A quick and easy way to improve your putting stats is to take fewer putts. Ha. You probably already knew that. However, one method my golfing partners often use is to give each other short putts, especially if we are in a match play format. We play for quarter skins. Say you are up by half a dozen skins and you are playing for a handful of additional skins and your opponent has a three footer to tie you. If you just say, "pick it up," or "that's good" they will appreciate the gesture and perhaps return the favor on a succeeding hole. Or sometimes you can suggest, "Good, good?" meaning I'll give you your five foot breaking putt on a slick down hill green if you give me my six footer. Depending on the circumstances, they might just agree and you all pick up and count one putt without having actually made a putt that could very well have been two more putts. Theoretically, if you do that every hole no matter how long the putt, your putting stats will show drastic improvement. In practice, every so often someone will deny the proposal saying something like our golfing friend Andrew from Scotland used to say, "Let's play some golf!" When translated into English, this means roughly, "Laddies you are big American wusses. That's a six footer. There's no way I'm giving you that putt."

16) Creative Ball Marking on the Putting Surface

Another technique pioneered by a fellow I have played with can help to shave off the occasional putting stroke. A golfer is required to mark with exactitude a ball’s position on a putting green for a variety of reasons. The ball may be in the intended line of a golfer whose ball is farther from the hole. A golfer may wish to clean the ball. A valid reason is not necessarily needed. A golfer may mark a ball on a putting surface whenever he/she wishes.

Golfer’s will carefully mark the position of the ball by placing an object directly behind the ball as close as possible without moving the ball. Usually the mark is a coin or flat object designed for said purpose. Golfers have been known to use a tee stuck in the green if not in the line of another golfer. Technically, I believe you could mark a ball with a tennis shoe or a suitcase if you so chose, but few golfers do so. I marked a ball once with a dime when playing with friends with their children tagging along. Their young boy was quite excited as he picked up my dime thinking he had found money randomly scattered on the putting surface. I estimated its previous location and putted out. I let the kid keep the dime.

A golfer may be required to move a mark, however, if it is in another golfer’s line or is a distraction. A tennis shoe or suitcase may well meet this distraction condition. To move a marker, a golfer should carefully move the marker using a sightline guide like a tree, or other immovable object, move the marker one or two putter head lengths sideways from its original position, that is, more or less perpendicular to the intended line of the other golfer's putt. The golfer would then be required to replace the marker in the same spot using the sight-line guide. By choosing a different tree trunk or rock when replacing the ball, a golfer can replace the marker nearer the hole if done so surreptitiously and pretending great care. You can gain perhaps 6 to 9 inches using this technique.

Another incremental technique is to place a marker in front of the ball, pick the ball up to pretend to clean it, and then place it in front of the ball thus gaining an inch or two. This may not be much but if used in tandem with the above technique, a six foot putt can become a five foot putt. That may not seem much, but an average golfer might miss 65 out of 100 six foot putts, but only 60 out of 100 five foot putts. Over time, those few inches can make a difference. I would point however, that a golfer might also practice so that their shots land a few inches closer and be in conformance with the rules.

The above techniques may require you to position yourself between the ball and other golfers so as to obstruct their view of your ball-advancing mark techniques. However, one fellow we know will time his movements to coincide with that short time when you are looking at your own ball so that when you look up you might suspect something is different but did not witness the infraction.

Tales are told of one golfer who turned an 18 foot putt into a 14” tap-in using the above techniques. This golfer is also have known to have a golf-ball sized hole in his right front pocket so as to be able to secretly drop a ball into a location where he was searching for an errant ball and then exclaim, “found it!” I think the number of golfers who include him in their groups has diminished over the years.

17) How to look good shooting 105.

This is hard to do, but always remain calm as though you were on your way to shooting a 75. Act like you are having a good time. Move to the ball quickly, and think about that one good shot you made seven weeks ago. Do not take seven practice swings, as that clearly is not working. Enjoy the outdoor air and the sound of golf course maintenance workers mowing the fairways. Tell yourself a bad day on the golf course is still better than a good day at the office. Count the number of hawks you see. Look at the sky.

18) If you are an older golfer like me with the requisite number of aches and pains that go with said aging, you may find walking 18 holes does wear one out. I have found, though, that if I follow the five mile hike on a golf course pulling or pushing my golf bag (with that pocket of six dozen extra golf balls) by a handful of Advil, a hot bath, a massage, two shots of bourbon, a nap, several hours with a vibrating heat pad, acupuncture, a chiropractic adjustment, and three good night’s sleep, I’m ready for the next outing.

19) Golf as a Metaphor.

I heard someone say this once. Actually, that’s not true, I just made it up: "Love is a brand new set of $2,000 Callaway Epic Star irons with graphite shafts; marriage is trying to hit a high draw 280 yards over a pond around a large oak tree on a 500 yard par 4 hole into the wind on a cold day with a hangover."

That’s a metaphor, a comparison of two unlike things ascribing the characteristics of one to the other.

In this metaphor the brand new clubs are the ideal and that nearly impossible shot is marriage.

20) Our Ancestors had Hairy Balls

Ball Selection – This is a serious matter. Covers, compression, construction, spin-rate, and dimples. Golf balls are round. Smooth round doesn’t fly through the air all that well so early golf geniuses added cuts and scrapes, bumps, and later, dimples. Dimples have been round, square, and hexagonal. They may be shallow or ever-so-less shallow. Turbulence and laminar flow are concepts in modern golf ball design and jet aircraft flight.

History of the Ball 1486 to 1898: wooden, hairy, featherie, gutta, and Haskell. Wooden – pretty self explanatory; they used beech. A guy with a pocket knife carved them. Hairy balls? An advance. I wonder if there any possible jokes there? Both the hairy and the featherie were leather covered and filled with cow hair, and later chicken or goose feathers. Made while wet (the material, not the maker), the hair, feathers, and leather shrank and hardened when dry. The gutta was made from dried sap of the Malaysian sapodilla tree and was the first one-piece ball. I don’t think the Malaysians were big golfers though. I could be wrong. The evolution from cow hair to feathers was not a change Darwin paid attention to, but the gutta advanced golf and lowered handicaps everywhere, traveling farther and straighter. In fact, golfers noted the more nicks and bumps on a gutta ball, the farther and straighter it traveled, leading to the modern dimples. The Haskell is so named for the guy in 1898 who first wound long rubber strands into a ball and noticed it bounced pretty high. It was covered with the sap of the balata tree, and voila!, a balata covered golf ball. Balata has since met its evolutionary dead end. That pretty much covers golf balls from 1486 to the later twentieth century. I once removed the cover of a 1950s wound ball and stretched the continuous rubber band around our house in Sheridan, Wyoming. The years was about 1958. As I remember, it went around that three-bedroom bungalow four times. It had a steel ball bearing at the center. A later development of the wound ball was a liquid center. Modern golf ball design gets a bit more complicated.

History of the Dimple – There’s nothing like a dimple on the cheek of a cute girl, or guy, depending on which way you swing, so to speak, or on a golf ball. From the whack marks on a gutta to the modern Isocohedronic pattern on a Titleist, dimples make everyone smile.

An internet spreadsheet lists every ball, every dimple configuration and number, and the characteristics thereof (see I found this from a University of Budapest article on golf ball dimples: “The number of dimples and nodes (dimple sizes) is not arbitrary. The optimum dimple number has been defined at about 350 to 450 per ball, but the number of dimples can vary from 252 to 500 dimples per ball. Some of the most popular number of dimples, according to Tibor Tarnai, an engineer at the Technical University of Budapest, are 332, 360, 384, 392, 416, 420, 432 and 480, all of which are found in commercial balls. There is also a tendency to produce dimple patterns with the highest order of symmetry, leading from the Octahedron pattern, which divides the golf ball’s surface in eight identical triangles to the Icosahedron pattern, created by Titleist in 1973, dividing the ball’s surface into 20 identical triangles.”

Covers - Balata, Surlyn/Ionomer, trionomer, or urethane covers. Balata covers are rare these days. Surlyn and the ionomers are the most durable; urethane affords more spin. Surlyn is made by DuPont which says, “Surlyn brand resins are unique ionomer-class molding and extrusion materials created from DuPont proprietary acid copolymers. Starting with selected molecular weight grades of copolymers such as ethylene/methacrylic acid, DuPont adds zinc, sodium, lithium or other metal salts. Acid neutralization results in the formation of ion clusters (hence the general term, "ionomer") within the resulting polymer matrix.” Urethanes “ are made by the exothermic reactions between alcohols with two or more reactive hydroxyl (-OH) groups per molecule (diols, triols, polyols) and isocyanates that have more than one reactive isocyanate group (-NCO) per molecule (diisocyanates, polyisocyanates).” So, there you go: surlyn covers are hard and durable, urethanes are softer.
Construction - 2 piece, 3 piece, 4 piece, and now even 5 piece. Layers of soft and hard materials make a difference according to the swing speed of the golfer so you get more distance in a drive or more action around a green depending on how much you compress the ball with the strike of the club, that is, at which layer your club no longer compresses the ball. Golf Week says, “Three-piece balls used to feature threads of rubber or elastic wound tightly around the core. The cores of today’s balls are generally wrapped with synthetic rubber or plastic. Some Titleist balls, for example, use thermoplastic resins called ionomers. Nike surrounds its resin-center ball with synthetic rubber. Other balls are referred to as “dual core” because the core and the next layer or layers are all made of synthetic rubber. As of 2012, the most complex balls contain five pieces, including the cover. TaylorMade produced the first five-piece ball, containing a small rubber core surrounded by three progressively firmer layers made from synthetic rubber, HPF 1000 (an ionomer resin) and thermoplastic, respectively.”

I do not currently believe the color of a golf ball is a significant factor; however, I think studies should be done on the variations in color and how that affects the brain’s motor-neuron- synaptic firing sequence when mentally processing the golf swing -- just in case.

I play found balls, that is, balls I find while playing. And given the numbers of bad golfers out there who buy decent golf balls, no shortage of decent lost balls exists. When I play, I will often walk along the edges of tree lines, or higher grass cuts, with my eye searching for that glimpse of white, yellow, or orange that could be a ball. There are a select few “ball rich” environments I tend to concentrate on like the right side of hole #14 at Shoreline, or the long grasses along the creeks of most courses. I think this harkens back to the days when I learned to play on a sand green, nine-hole course, carved out of McCracken’s pasture in Friend, Ne. I couldn’t afford to buy balls, so I’d bike the two or three miles out there and look for balls in the farm fields bordering the course. One time, Barb McCracken, brought me a glass of water when she saw me out there. I liked her. This has afforded me the chance to hit hundreds of differently manufactured golf balls. I play a variety of balls. I do avoid water balls though.

If you do the permutations of dimple patterns, size, depth, cover compositions, compression, spin rates, construction elements, you come up with about seven trillion possibilities which is about seven trillion more than the average 10 handicapper can process. So close your eyes and just grab a box of Pinnacles, Srixons, Titleists, or Callaways, or virtually any brand, off the shelf and go forth. You are most likely not discerning enough to notice the difference. Advanced golfers and/or anal-retentive personality types – see Ch. 12.

21) “On Golf and Golfing –The stages of Grief”

Being only vaguely familiar with Swiss psychiatrist Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as described in On Death and Dying won’t stop me from suggesting that in golf, there are the same five stages of grief after many rounds of golf.

Denial – I can’t believe I shanked that ball into the water. I can’t believe I hit that drive out of bounds. I can’t believe I still play this game. I can’t believe you made that 45 foot breaking putt. These greens suck. These fairways are terrible.

Anger –Broken clubs are a not totally uncommon sight in the small steel mesh trash bins found next to the ball washers on each tee box. Loud curses of “F***,” “Son of a b****,” “God d*** it,” “Sh**,” are all too often heard on golf courses, especially if Tiger Woods is playing. I’ve personally seen players, ordinarily sane and rational people, break clubs on trees, fence posts, concrete cart paths, and over knees. I’ve seen entire bags of clubs thrown into ponds. Anger is stage two. Rory McIlroy threw his 3 iron into a pond at the Doral, Florida tournament in March of 2017. Tommy Bolt, Sergio Garcia, Craig Stadler, John Daly, Henrik Stensen, Colin Montgomerie, all professional golfers, have all broken more than one club smashing it into the ground, over a knee or a tree during a round of golf……..

Bargaining – Please God, let me break 80 today. Please God, let me make this putt and I’ll never play on a Sunday morning again….. “Well, at least it’s good exercise,” we say as we make bogey after bogey after bogey.

Depression – Feelings of emptiness then intrude when we shoot a 92 or miss that 4 footer that would have been your first ever 79. The deep-seated feeling that we may never have another good round of golf is accompanied by a deep and abiding sadness. The feeling that you’ll never play again is common.

Acceptance – But in a day or two, one accepts the new reality embodied in that last round and gets back to living life. In fact, we most often begin to enjoy life again. And then before you know it, you’re on the phone to one of your favorite courses to get a Friday afternoon tee time……….and actually look forward to it

ps. This is a work of creative non-fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Except for Bob, Jerry, Andrew, Troy, Pat, Chris, Rich, Steve, Ken, Alan with an a, Ray, Allen with an e, Eric, and Ron.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

My mother wrote a poem about my 2018 calendar and other testimonials

My calendars are still available. Only $20 which is $5 less than they would be if they were $25. All new dates! Holidays free.


Flag overhead,

House in the yard,

Plane flies by,

Always on guard.


Eyes go around,

You’re getting sleepy.

Wait a minute,

This is creepy!


The dogs are perfect

They’re playing a tune.

A pleasant time

In the afternoon.


What have we here?

Ideas galore.

Turn the pages

For many more.


Driving the bus.

This is fun.

Ran over the snake.

Now it’s done.


Jimmy singing

With Eric’s guitar.

I kinda think

That he’ll go far.


Happy Dogs!

I love ‘em to pieces!

The joy they give

Never ceases.


A nice little room;

Too much stuff.

Turn the page

If you’ve seen enough.


The fish are cute

And they are koi.

Beautifully colored

For you to enjoy.


A very nice painting

Of a toucan.

Try it yourself.

Maybe you can!


The Taj Mahal

As it never look-ed

The perspective

Was a little crooked.


The picture is perfect:

Manger and star.

An excellent artist

Is what you are!


I've also received encouragement (and orders) from artists I admire. A sampling:

"I love his colors and irreverance and outlook on life. He reminds me of my husband, Diego Rivera. He's a wonderful man. I have several of his calendars." - Frida Kahlo

Hans Hofmann just texted me that he was pleased by my use of color and texture devoid of comprehensible structure as an element of the failure of the communication nexus of the synthetic moral construction of epistemic communalism and the contextual disorientation of post modern America, particularly in my happy dogs playing musical instruments. He ordered two.

"His work is so colorful and glimmers on the canvas. When I see his ocean villages, I can taste the salt air! His use of colors is exquisite. I learned so much from him that summer he spent with me at Arles. We painted every day. It was amazing to watch him -- he became the landscape. And the peasants loved him. He was so kind. And those evenings with Gaugin........... We both have his calendars. Love the guy. I'll send him my other ear someday." - Vincent van Gogh

"Bud would be totally embarrassed to know I am writing on his behalf, but I had him in mind when I painted "Whamm!" He is one of the few who understood Pop Art and the counter-cultural underground and the appropriation of art by consumerism. He taught me to work from sketches. A real smart man and fine artist. I have all his calendars. Without him, I wouldn't know what day it is." - Roy Lichtenstein

"Bud Cassiday? Sure I know him. I love his action art. He gave me the idea. My "Galaxy" painting was inspired by his work. He has such a free-flowing style; abstract expressionism would not have happened but for him. He introduced me to Peggy Guggenheim. I owe him so much. And we have a lot in common. We both lived in Wyoming as children; his son and I share a January 28 birthday. We always exchange birthday cards. And I loved his 1956 Buick Roadmaster. It was a lot like my Pontiac. His work in mixed media and textural painting is remarkable. If you haven't gotten a calendar yet, you should. And Lee Krasner and Bud are such good friends.I love him like a brother.He should charge a lot more for those calendars. " -- Jackson Pollock

Dear Bud: I'd like three of your excellent calendars. I understand they are only $20 each. I love your synaesthetic art. I consider you a find practitioner of synaesthetism of a high order. I wonder though what you think of the synchronic anti-modalism of the experiential synaptic cascade phenomenon in relation to the theosophic rather than spiritual/archetypal scaffolding paradigm? I would most interested. Sincerely, Wassily Kandinsky.

Dear Bud - even though I've been dead since 1995, I'd like to say thanks for watching my tv show and I love your Happy Dogs. I painted happy trees which are different than Happy Dogs, but they both are happy. I love happy trees, and clouds, and bushes, and rocks, and barns, and birds. Just remember, there are no mistakes, only happy accidents. Oops, I just spilled my f****** coffee. Sh**. ps. I'll take two calendars.

"I love Cassiday's art, his inquisitiveness, his love of science and discovery. I always chuckle when I see one of his Happy Dog paintings. I wish I had thought of that. And who doesn't love dogs? I do. And his chicken paintings are a delight, especially those on the motorcycles. I've known him for years and we talk regularly, especially when I need inspiration. He's such an interesting and resourceful fellow. If he ever does a calendar for 1516, I'm ordering several. One for me and several for my friends." -Leonardo Da Vinci

Other news:

Hector Eduardo Rodriguez is a veterinarian in Oaxaca, Mexico, where he has a successful business that treats large animals. He and his wife, Concelita, have four wonderful children. She is a Doctor at the local health clinic known for her caring and healing skills. Their children all excel in their schooling and want to follow in the footsteps of their parents. “We love our parents,” they all say. “They are respected by the whole town, they treat us so well, and they are so understanding and fun to be with. We want to be like them when we grow up. And it is all because they have 11” x 17” wall calendars.” They go on: “Without their 11” x 17” wall calendars, they would have arrived late for their universities. They would have not become the doctors everyone loves. They owe it all to Bud Cassiday, Papillion, Ne. And the calendars are only $20. We love him so much.” This is a true story.

Sally McSweeney, 35, worked at The Adams Agency, an advertising company in Lubbock, Texas. She had worked for 8 long grueling months to land the contract of an important aerospace industry and planned to meet them in Chicago on Nov. 8, 2016. She had worked weekends. She had worked long hours. She lost track of time. She had prepared extensively for the meeting with her financial projections, her audience analysis, her list of prospective customers. And she was ready; however, she had no calendar, in particular an 11” x 17” wall calendar. She went to Chicago on the wrong day losing the account and her job. Heartbroken, she thought, “If only I had a wall calendar, I could have written those important meetings on the right days instead of putting all that work in for nothing.” Don’t let what happened to Sally happen to you. Don’t lose track of time. Don’t miss that Chicago aerospace contract. Order a calendar today, preferably an Art by Cassiday 2018 calendar for only $20.

Jonathan Wormington Winfield woke with a nagging suspicion he had missed something the day before. "What is the date today?" he wondered. "What month is it?" he worried. "If only I had a calendar, " he thought, "I wouldn't have missed that important job interview and my life would be better." He pulled himself out of bed, sorted through the pile of soiled clothing on the floor and found his favorite underwear, a pair of black socks, the jeans he'd worn for seven consecutive day, smelled a t-shirt just to be sure it was okay to wear, and found a sweatshirt wadded up at the bottom of the pile. "Where, oh where, can I buy a calendar" he thought. "If only I'd had one, my life would be so much better. And an art calendar! That's what I need. Every day I can be amused and inspired by the monthly original art featured." So he remembered he had seen calendars by a Papillion artist. "$20?" he thought. "Heck, I can afford that and my life will be so much better." So he bought one and his life became so much better. He knew what day it was, what month it was, and knew Christmas was on Dec. 25. He found a good job, has a girl friend, moved into his own apartment, remembered his mother's birthday, and is saving his money to buy a new car. This story is true.

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Dr. John's Sex Emporium

Poems of Everyday Life
Doctor John's Sex Emporium

So I took my mother
to the doctor
to get a shot for the pain in her hip
and on the way back
decided to stop
at the Walmart near her
to get several items she wanted:
the "right" toilet paper,
as I had gotten the wrong,
a ream of printer paper,
saline nasal spray,
knee-high stockings,
and two bananas.
But I turned in the wrong drive,
just one short of the Walmart,
and ended up at
Doctor John's Sex Emporium,
a lingerie, and sex-toy store.
A funny moment ensued.
We laughed.
I love my mom.
She's a class act.