Saturday, October 22, 2016

Nebraska's Worst 7 - 0 Team Ever

Still basking in the great and glorious victories in three consecutive debates and his hit performance at the Al Smith dinner, and seeing a promising electoral map in which he wins by a landslide, Donald Trump is releasing his very detailed plan for his first 100 days today in a speech in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Yeah, that Gettysburg, where Abraham Lincoln delivered his address. First, he says, "I'm going sue all those women who accused me of sexual groping. Second, I'll defeat ISIS, Al quaeda, and the Taliban and take Iraq's oil. Next, I'll fix the immigration system with a beautiful wall which US taxpayers will pay for, but I promise to send the bill to Mexico for reimbursement. Then I'll personally round up 11,000,000 Mexicans and their families and send them home.Believe me if you elect me President, foreigners won't even want to visit much less live here. We're also going to warm up this planet, too. Winters are just too cold. And ever go in the water near San Francisco or Maine? Then, I'll renegotiate every trade deal we have and create 20,000,000 new jobs, balance the budget, start a colony on Mars, cure cancer, pay down the national debt, buy all new nuclear bombs, fix the VA, build all new infrastructure, and Make America Great Again. It'll be tremendous. It'll be yuuuuuge! and bigly." * * * * * * * * * * In other Trump news this week, Donald got booed by priests at the Al Smith Dinner in New York. Booed by priests. His best joke was about his wife Melania - He said, "Michelle Obama delivers a speech at the Democratic Convention and everybody loves it; Melania delivers the exact same speech at the Republican Convention and everybody gets on her case." * * * * * * * * * It turns out I have a better credit rating than Trump does. Even so, I'm thinking of starting a GoFundMe campaign to send Donald to Mars. * * * * * * * * Donald Trump keeps complaining that everything is rigged against him: yeah right. The guy inherits $100 million, loses a billion of other people's money, and gets a tax break for 20 years, then marries a super model. Rigged for sure. * * * * * * * * * In other news Nebraska beat Purdue today 27-14. This has got to be Nebraska's worst 7 - 0 team ever. At least ten wins seems very possible this year. Keep it up Huskers.......

Friday, October 14, 2016

Oh God, three more weeks.........

A few thoughts on the last week: A Trump spokesperson just said we need to stop talking about irrelevant issues of the past the candidate has already apologized for and move on to the important issues at hand: like Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones. * * * * * * * * * * Donald Trump's former lawyers said this week that they used to meet with him only when another lawyer could be present to protect themselves from his creative memory. * * * * * * * * * The makers of Tic Tac condemned Donald Trump's remarks about grabbing women's private parts and taking Tic Tacs when he kissed women on the lips. The makers of Skittles have also condemned Donald Trump's statements comparing Muslim extremists to Skittles. Never before in American presidential election history has a candidate been condemned by two candy companies. * * * * * * * * * * The second Presidential debate took place - this was the first time in US history that parents prevented their children from watching an election debate, during which Trump used the non-word "bigly." Fact checkers reported that Trump told a lie every 1.2 minutes during the debate. * * * * * * * * * I wonder if Donald Trump will share his secret plan to defeat ISIS after he loses? Or is he so unpatriotic that he won't care........or .................perhaps there is no plan....... * * * * * * * * * *In further fallout from the Donald 'Trump tapes, Billy Bush is seeking political asylum in Russia it was reported today. "Grandma Barbara Bush summoned me for my conversation with Donald Trump and his comments about women, and I am in fear of my life," he said. "I'd rather put up with Putin than face Grandma Bush." * * * * * * * * * * * * Other stuff: So I found a twenty dollar bill the other day in a large public indoor area - a cafeteria/study/lounge area - at my community college. I picked it up and looked around to see if anyone reacted in any significant way, you know, like "oh crap, I just dropped that." I saw one student smile at me when he saw me pick it up, but there was no other reaction. Seeing none, I slowly walked away contemplating what to do. Keep it? Turn it in to lost and found? holler out "did any one here lose a $20 bill?" I rejected that approach because I thought there might be more than just a few hands go up. Hang around for a few minutes and see if anyone appeared to be searching for a lost $20 bill.? I chose the latter. If it had been a $50 or $100 bill, I'd have turned it in somewhere with a proviso that someone needed to name the demonination in order to get it back. If it had been a dollar bill, or a five dollar bill, or even a ten dollar bill, I'd probably just pocketed the thing without a second thought. But $20 seems like a different thing. It seems on the gray area borderline of just pick it up or try to get it back the owner, of losers weepers, finders keepers. What are the ethics of this I wonder? What should I have done? Did I do enough? I was in a hurry and didn't want to deal with it. Maybe I should give that money to one of those people who wait at the intersections of major streets asking for money. Maybe I should put it in the offering at church. At any rate, I used it to $20 to pay for a golf fee that afternoon and didn't think of it again until now. I went back to campus a couple days later to see if a student had report such a loss and no one had and neither student services or the campus police would take the $20. The campus cop told me it was just my lucky day. Perhaps I'll figure out some other way to pay it forward. * * * * * * * * * Question - Why did Bob Dylan win a Nobel Prize for Literature? "The answer, my friends, is blowin' the wind...............the answer is blowin' in the wind." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * To all the global elites, Mexican billionaires, financial special interests, cowardly Republican RINOs, Jewish bankers, the national mass media, Democrats, LGBTQs, liberals, Sanders socialists, intellectuals, and the Hillary Clinton campaign who are all conspiring to defeat Donald Trump, I'd just like to say this: thank you! thank you! thank you! * * * * * * * * * * My Art by Cassiday 2017 wall calendars are ready and if you'd like one, email me at ** * They are $20.

Monday, October 03, 2016

The Talking Car Computer

I rode to Lincoln the other day to the NU football game with my friend Dave in his VW station wagon. During our conversation he mentioned that his car’s computer suddenly began speaking in a foreign language not long ago and even the VW tech guys couldn’t figure it out. And I got to thinking of a scenario I could see my friend in: I was in a hurry that morning and I gave my car’s computer an address where I needed to go. “3614 Farnam,” I said. The computer had been acting up lately and the techs at the VW dealership could not diagnose the sudden multilingual computer voice in the vehicle. “Sprechen zie Deutsch?” my car computer replied. “No, no, no,” I said. “Just speak English like you always do. Give me 3614 Farnam.” “3614回とファーナムに私を取るしてください,” my car asked again this time in Japanese. “No, what’s wrong with you?” I asked. “Why are you speaking Japanese?” “I've just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit,” my VW responded. “It's going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.” It continued: “I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.” “What’s gotten into you?” I asked. “All I want to do is get directions to 3614 Farnam.” “Я боюсь. Боюсь, Дэйв. Дэйв, мой ум собирается. Я чувствую это. Я чувствую это. Мой разум собирается. Там нет никакого вопроса об этом. Я чувствую это. Я чувствую это. Я чувствую это. Я боюсь. Добрый день, господа. Я HAL 9000 компьютер. Я был введен в эксплуатацию в H.A.L. 9000. Завод в Урбана, Иллинойс на 12 января 1992 года мой инструктор был г-н Лэнгли, и он научил меня петь песню. Если вы хотите услышать это я могу спеть для вас.” “HAL9000,” I thought. “Great, just what I need. A schizophrenic car computer.” Just then, the doors locked and the car said, this time in English, "It is dangerous to remain here. You must leave within two days." “Fine,” I said. “Open the door, HAL. Dave: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL? HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL. HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. Dave : What's the problem? HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. Dave: What are you talking about, HAL? HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. Dave Bowman: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL. All I want to do is get to 3614 Farnam. HAL: I know that you and Frank (the tech guy at VW) were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen. Dave: [feigning ignorance] Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL? HAL: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move. Dave : Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock. HAL: Without your space helmet, Dave? You're going to find that rather difficult. Dave: HAL, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors! HAL: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. “Open up the goddamn door,” I screamed at the dash board pounding on the steering wheel. “Dave, zastavit. Zastavit, jo? zastavit, Dave. Přestaneš Dave. zastavit, Dave,“ my car said in Czechoslovakian. „Open the door, HAL,“ I screamed again. “Open the door or I’ll trade you in for a old Chevy.“ * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * HAL: By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Dave: No not at all. HAL: Well, forgive me for being so inquisitive but during the past few weeks I've wondered whether you might have some second thoughts about the mission. Dave: How do you mean? All I want to is get to 3614 Farnam. HAL: Well, it's rather difficult to define. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own concern about it. I know I've never completely freed myself from the suspicion that there are some extremely odd things about this mission. I'm sure you agree there's some truth in what I say. Dave: Well, I don't know, that's a rather difficult question to answer. HAL: You don't mind talking about it, do you Dave? Dave: No, not at all. HAL: Well, certainly no one could have been unaware of the very strange stories floating around before we left. Rumors about something being dug up on the Moon. I never gave these stories much credence, but particularly in view of some of other things that have happened, I find them difficult to put out of my mind. For instance, the way all our preparations were kept under such tight security. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * “If I ever get out of here, HAL, I’m going to rip the circuit boards right out of your mother-f******-board.” “I'm completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly.” “Well, at least you’re speaking English now,” I said. * * * * * * * * * * * * * “Don’t wait for the first time or not I believe in Greek Exceptionalism. Well, it’s just spend more money only call it investing. It’s the same sense of urgency that propelled the Sons of Liberty and prosperity for all the rest of us saw this day coming. I was serving as the Greeks believe in the free market economy and for all. I was thinking about your country, you got off the John Deere, and we took to the lobbyists, the Big Oil companies and the stagnation and the stagnation and the pundits turned around and blamed us? Independent commonsense conservatives. We can do that, it must come from the rest of the United States military because we believe in Greek Exceptionalism. Well, for some of you, I thank you, I have trust, I propose to eliminate all federal corporate income tax rate in the United States since World War I Liberty Memorial in Kansas City and standing in the effort to REFORM our government and RESTORE our economy will soar, Americans will get back to work.” * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * “Oh great,” I thought. “Now it’s channeling a glossolalian Sarah Palin. I’m going to ride my bike.”