Friday, August 23, 2013

Remember the Alamo, eh?

I always thought it'd be the Democrats who tried to run a Canadian for President of the United States, but it turns out that Republican Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz, the Senator from Texas, is an honest-to-god Canadian citizen having been born in Calgary on Dec. 22, 1970. And for all the "birther" nonsense over the last six years about President Obama, this is just too rich for words. But I'll try anyway. Cruz was born of an American mother and a, gasp, Cuban, let me say that again, Cuban, father in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. This has got to put Donald Trump and his crack team of detectives in a bind. And Orly Taitz, the American "birther" queen, has to be having nightmares now. It's too easy to make jokes: In a unanimous vote, Canada accepts the resignation of US Senator Ted Cruz as a Canadian citizen. The Toronto News reports the vote was 35,000,000 to 0. Or: Texas Senator Ted Cruz, Tea Party zealot and Republican Presidential wannabee, formally renounced his Canadian citizenship today, and promised to start a war with Canada if elected President. "This should satisfy my Tea Party supporters," he said. "I'll bomb those mother-f****** into the stone age. Guaranteed health care for everyone, my ass." Senator Cruz said the other day, after releasing his birth certificate, he'd renounce his Canadian citizenship and Canada breathed a sigh of relief. Democrats may launch a petition to have him renounce his US citizenship instead. So anyway, here are the lyrics to the national anthem of Ted Cruz' country of birth. And remember what Ted Cruz like to say: Remember the Alamo, eh. O CANADA O Canada! Our home and native land True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise The true north, strong and free From far and wide, O Canada We stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free O Canada! We stand on guard for thee O Canada! We stand on guard for thee.

Thursday, August 15, 2013


Chief District Judge Vicki Miles-LaGrange of the Western District of Oklahoma, who issued a temporary restraining order preventing an Oklahoma anti-Sharia constitutional amendment from taking effect after it passed in 2010, ruled Thursday that the amendment’s references to Sharia, or Islamic law, violated the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution. Now that it has been struck down in, former Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood President Mohamed Morsi is expected to seek asylum in the Norman, Oklahoma airport terminal. "We look forward to bring Sharia Law to Norman, Oklahoma," said Muslim Brotherhood Presidential spokesperson Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed. "We should fit right in with our anti-gay and anti-women viewpoints. There are no gay Muslims. Abortion rights? No way by Allah. We stone to death teenage girls who get raped. I mean, come on, the war on women is right up our alley. Plus we've got AK-47's and grenade launchers up the yin yang and appreciate the NRA being so active down there. We plan to start our own anti-government Militia as soon as we get situated. And finally, we don't much believe in science, education in public schools, or rational thought either. Oklahomans want turn back the clock to the 19th century, too. It'll be a good fit for us."

Friday, August 02, 2013

Fry Me to the Moon

Texas is facing a pentobarbital shortage, its execution drug of choice. Texas switched to the drug after anti-death penalty activists made its first choice of their preferred death drug cocktail unavailable. European drug manufacturers, for example, will not sell their drugs to Texas for use in executions. Other drugs not currently used for executions are being investigated for their possible use. Governor Perry of Texas said, "Hell, we'd use battery acid if it weren't for the namby-pamby liberals. Some nonsense about 'cruel and unusual punishment'. Since when is that in the Constitution? We've had to find subtler ways of execution since hanging, the gas chamber, firing squads, and the electric chair are no longer fashionable or even permissible." Other death penalty drug cocktails Texas is considering include: mayonnaise and lemon juice, Coca Cola, laundry detergent, Windex, and recycled motor oil. Governor Perry went on to say, "This is Texas. We are awash in toxic petrochemicals and industrial chemical pollution. And we are killing our citizens with all this contamination on a regular basis. If we can use it on our children every day, why can't we use it on convicted killers? Why should convicted killers get protection. I mean, come on, we don't even protect our own kids from these chemicals. Let's just pump them full of freon and see what happens," he said to an audience of his cheering supporters.