The House Select Oversight Committee on Investigating the Government Shutdown Gives Up

Congressman Darrell Issa, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee investigating the shutdown of the government, released the $50 million, 100,000 page report on the shutdown of the US Government. "We interviewed thousands of people, heard testimony from hundreds of witnesses, looked at mountains of emails, letters, speech transcripts, letters, and other documents regarding the shutdown of the government and are able to report that we have found no reason for the shutdown. It appears to have happened for no good reason whatsoever," the report concluded. "Most of the testimony was incoherent gibberish about conspiracies, Kenyan socialists, 2nd Amendment rights," Issa said in a press conference. "A rational person can only conclude the shutdown occurred for no reason." The report said, Tea Party leader Senator Ted Cruz from Texas claimed to hear God in his head and kept repeating, "We won. We won. We won." And House Republican Leader John Boehner sobbed the whole time mumbling what sounded like, "We lost. We lost. We lost." Other Republican party leaders kept saying Benghazi over and over again, or IRS, IRS, IRS, or Kenyan socialist. One Tea Party Witness kept screaming "Keep Government out of my Medicare." "We never could figure that one out," Issa said. The report did conclude that the shutdown and debt ceiling brinksmanship cost $24 billion in lost economic activity, will reduce quarterly growth by 20% for months to come, caused a severe loss in wages for several million Americans, and nearly triggered a world wide recession. "The American People," Issa said, "have short memories, so Republicans are looking forward to the next opportunity to do this all this over again in a few short weeks." The report concluded: "We are concluding this investigation and will be returning to the ongoing pointless investigations of the attack in Benghazi, and the IRS scandals. And thank God the health care website is totally f***** up."

Death Panels are Fully Operational and 2014 Calendars

In a daring political gambit and attempting to deflect criticism, The White House announced today that the Death Panels in Obamacare are now fully operational. "We are pleased to announce that in spite of the difficult roll out of the website, the Death Panels are now fully staffed and ready to go to work to condemn the ailing, the infirm, and the elderly to swift and certain death once they get enrolled in an appropriate subsidized health insurance plan," a spokesperson said. "It would have been a lot easier if all those Republican states had cooperated, but we persevered and have now set up federally operated Death Panels in every state." Fox News reports that over thirty thousand Americans have died trying to sign up for Obamacare. -Borowitz Having once more shut down the government and threatening to ruin the entire US and world economy and default on the US debt, House Republicans are now obsessing about website problems enrolling people in a private health insurance exhange program they invented and now oppose. It's just weird. House Republicans are now demanding an investigation into why they shut down the government.............not. This is the worst roll out of a health insurance program to cover 40 million Americans who've never had health insurance before we've ever had.......Thanks Obama. Maybe they should have set up the health insurance exchanges on Amazon.com. Republicans, fresh off the debacle of the government shutdown and debt ceiling fiasco and anxious to shed their tarnished image and regain the support of the public, are now gearing up to do the nation's business now that the government is open: impeachment hearings and the Benghazi and IRS investigations. "It's been a travesty and a shame that we've been distracted from investigating Benghazi and the IRS while trying to take health insurance away from people and ruin the world's economy, but now we can get back to the important work of damaging the economy even more, dismantling the EPA, Social Security, Medicare, and all safety net programs since the New Deal, insulting foreigners, gay people, minorities, Muslim Americans, liberals, and women, giving tax breaks to multi-national corporations and the top 1% of income earners, taking away food and medical care from sick children, poor people, and the elderly, and impeaching President Obama," a spokesperson said. "We are trying to bring Americans together." And even Ted Cruz has had an epiphany: "If only we had won the Presidency and the Senate, we could have repealed Obamacare." Probably so, Ted. ps. I'm now taking orders for my 2014 Calendars!