The Civil War Didn't Happen, Demonic Possessions, and Donald Trump's Hair

Voting Rights Act - I predict the Supreme Court will rule in a 5-4 decision that slavery, the Civil War, and racial discrimination did not really happen in overturning the Voting Rights Act. Absent those events, no compelling national interest for a Voting Rights Act has been established. In an unusual move, David Barton, self proclaimed historian, has been retained to write the actual decision. David Barton is well known for his work that proves Thomas Jefferson was actually a born again Evangelical Pentecostal Christian who was speaking in tongues when he penned the Declaration of Independence. Thomas Jefferson, Barton points out, hated Charles Darwin and public schools as well. The Texas School Board is celebrating the decision and will immediately strike all references to slavery, the Civil War, and racial discrimination from all its public school textbooks. Although Mr. Barton's latest book, "Jefferson's Lies," has been pulled by the publisher from public sale for making sh** up he is happily rewriting history on his personal blog and in the Republican Party platforms.................................................................................................................................................................................................... In a stunning major shift of US foreign policy, the Senate this week approved former Al Quaida member and North Korean double agent, Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, today as Secretary of Defense after weeks of bitter Republican opposition to their former colleague. Senator Hagel had to resign his position as a North Korean double-agent. "I felt that was the only proper thing to do because not only must a government official avoid conflicts-of-interest, one must also avoid the appearance of a conflict-of-interest. I believe I could continued as a North Korean double-agent, but political prudence prevailed in this matter," according to the now confirmed Defense Secretary. "I have also put my Iranian holdings into a blind trust and will be attending a non-denominational Christian church rather than the Shiite mosque I usually attend," he said. "My summer vacations at Al Quaida training camps will be missed though," he added. Republican Senator Ted Cruz, fresh from spreading unfounded rumors about Senator Hagel has refocused his efforts to exposing communists at Harvard University. "My work on spreading unfounded rumors about Chuck Hagel is now done. I have seen reports that someone said that someone heard that Fidel Castro will become President for Life at Harvard University and endow a Josef Stalin Chair of Ho Chi Minh Studies. This is a very serious matter and, whether or not it is true, deserves my full attention. This is what the people of Texas want me to do." ....................................................................................................................................................In Breaking news from North Korea - North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong un announced today he is ending North Korea's nuclear weapons program and is resigning as president and will join the Harlem Globetrotters as a scoring point guard. "This has been my life's dream," he said. "Dennis Rodman's outreach has been the inspiration for me to follow my dream."..................................................................................................................................................................................................................... More News on Horse DNA - Actual Headline: "Ikea Pulls Wiener Sausages As Horse Meat Nightmare Continues." Ikea has also been forced to recall numerous other products after horse DNA was found in a dining room set and a television stand. And in the US, horse DNA found in Donald Trump's hair. One theory is he said he wanted mousse and the hair dresser thought he said horse. No other official explanation has been given. .............................................................................................................................................................................. There were several strange comments in the news during the week: Secretary of State John Kerry said "Americans have the right to be stupid." I think he went on to say it wasn't necessarily a good idea, though. And Pat Robertson had reason to comment on demonic possession of used clothing sold at thrift shops: Not all clothing bought from Goodwill or other thrift shops will have demonic possession. But there might be some. And from Michele Bachmann on her failed Presidential bid: “I was very proud of the fact that I didn’t get anything wrong that I said during the course of the debates." She didn't get anything right either, I'd say................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... On going shopping with my mother: So I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon and on her list were caramel flavored rice cakes. We went up and down the various aisles looking for items she wanted all the while keeping an eye out for the rice cakes. Up and down the bread aisle, the cereal aisle, the rice aisle, the snack cake aisles and couldn't find them. I asked one store employee where we might find them and he pointed us back the the bread and snack cake aisles. But they still were not there, so finally I found another employee who didn't know either but shouted across to a third employee and he knew where they were: between the vinegar and aluminum foil pans on aisle 7. I'm no expert on store design, but between the vinegar and aluminum foil pans seems like a strange place for caramel flavored rice cakes.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The NRA continues its public relations offensive, and I do mean offensive. Wayne LaPierre's latest proposal is to require all public elementary school systems to arm their janitors with rocket propelled grenades. "We believe this would provide a deterrent effect. A person would have to be stark raving crazy to try to attack children knowing the janitors were armed. If I were a stark raving gun toting lunatic (pause here to let the irony sink in), I'd think twice before attacking a school." And Stephen Colbert had the best analysis of the dangers facing Americans in their homes: "Sure, my family is less safe because I have a gun in the house. But isn't that a small price to pay for my family's safety?"......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... In other news, Glenn Beck, who used to tell lies on Fox News but now tells lies on an internet program, calls WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) fans "stupid" and gets challenged to attend an event. Better be careful, Mr. Beck. I remember Andy Kaufman walking around in a neck brace for weeks after he was pile-driven into the mat. As far as the "stupid" comment goes, though, they've met their match in you.............................................................................................................................................................................. First Lady Michelle Obama announces Best Picture Oscar Winner "Argo" from White House; outraged Republicans vow to fight. People seemed more upset that Argo rewrote history than they were when the Texas School Board took Thomas Jefferson out of their history books......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The US Air Force will drop poisoned dead baby mice into tree tops one by one from a helicopter to rid Guam of brown tree snakes. And, believe it or not, this is the best plan put forward after ten years of study................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. News from the Vatican: reports are surfacing that Catholics are fearful that having gays in the church will give its pedophiles a bad name. Time will tell how this sorts itself out.

Horse DNA Found on Mars

Breaking News from Europe - A mysterious and sudden decrease in the number of horses in Europe has stumped experts. A corresponding increase in the number of fast food restaurants was also noted. In related US news, the US, Ford Motor Company has announced the recall of 50,000,000 Ford Broncos, Pintos, and Mustangs to check for horse DNA. And Roy Rogers Restaurants in the Northeast US are under investigation by the FDA which said fears of horse meat contamination have "triggered" the inspection. And in a stunning development, NASA has announced it has discovered horse DNA on Mars. Using the most advanced scientific techniques available, the Curiosity spacecraft was able to detect the fossilized horse DNA on Mars. "This is on the same scale as Copernicus' discovery that the earth was not the center of the solar system," said one NASA scientist. A spokesperson for Nestle Foods said, "We're pretty sure it's not our fault."............................................. The Universe - In a "Hey, what's that over there?" moment, the Universe had us watching a meteor the size of a 5 story building narrowly miss the earth, while another one the size of a school bus exploded 15 miles above Russia causing a shock wave which injured over 1,000 people. Who says the Universe doesn't have a sense of humor..... And physicists, studying the implications of the discovery of the Higgs boson, now say the Universe will likely end someday. Damn. Talk about bad news...................................................................... Slavery and the 13th Amendment - Breaking news on slavery: Mississippi finally gets around to completing the ratification of the 13th Amendment. Standing under a Confederate flag, a state government official said, "I guess someone forgot to send in the paperwork."...................................................... Republicans, Fox News, and the Tea Party - CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, has announced their theme will be looking to the future, not the past. Their speakers so far include Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney. Other speakers, including Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Ron Paul, will present workshops on how to win national elections. "With a roster of speakers like this, how can we lose?" said CPAC organizers. In a sign of the fractures within the Republican party, the Tea Party today denounced a picture depicting Karl Rove as a Nazi which was sent out in a recent Tea Party fund raising mailing. Claiming the picture in the fund-raising mailing was the creation of an overly zealous private vendor and not officially approved, Tea Party Patriots' spokesperson Jameson Cunningham stated this was entirely inappropriate, despicable, and wrong and pledged that in the future only President Obama would be so portrayed. "We have our standards," he said. Fox News thinks that adding Herman Cain to its roster of pundits will add to their credibility.... That's a good one..................................................................... Budget - Citing "sequester" related budget cuts, the Pentagon announced today that it will outsource the US Drone Program to teenage video gamers at suburban malls throughout the country. Pentagon officials described this as a "win-win" for everybody....................................................................................... Chuck Hagel nomination as Secretary of Defense- Update on Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel - In the most damning evidence so far discovered by Senate Foreign Relations Committee, it now believes it has uncovered evidence that links Secretary of Defense nominee, former Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, to President Barack Obama. "When we first heard these allegations of contacts between Hagel and the White House we were skeptical, but this is a serious matter and we will continue our investigation as long as is necessary," said chief Inquisitor Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "Unfortunately, it now appears that these allegations are incontrovertably true. We have reason to believe that it was not a 'one-time' incident but reflects ongoing contacts between the Senator and the President. Our committee has no choice but to act in accordance with these facts. It particularly saddens me on this President's Day 2013 that we must come to grips with the truth that Senator Hagel and President Obama are, in fact, associates. Our committee will let no stone go unturned, no rumor be unrepeated, no unsupported allegation go silent.".................................................................................... From the Vatican - Officials here are studying the implications of naming a Pope from Latin America. Pope Jesus, anyone? .......................................................................... Yoko Ono - And on a personal note, I'm having a hard time processing that Yoko Ono turned 80 years old this week. ............................................................ Bud C

Chuck Hagel - North Korean double-agent?

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee having run out of legitimate reasons to delay the nomination of Chuck Hagel by President Obama to be Secretary of Defense are now, led by Texas Senator Ted Cruz, investigating whether there's any evidence that former Nebraska Republican Senator Chuck Hagel was ever a North Korean double-agent. "We understand that Chuck Hagel is well known to have had numerous direct contacts with the North Vietnamese communists in the 1960's. It is not a great leap of intelligence to think that this could have led to contacts with North Koreans as well. We find the total absence of any evidence of a North Korean connection to be very suspicious," said Senator Ted Cruz. "The fact that there is no evidence whatsoever about any of the ridiculous things I've been saying only proves to me that a vast cover-up of proportions so immense as to boggle the mind has, in fact, been occurring," he said. "We have also been informed that it has been said that a report on Fox News said that someone heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel might have been present at the lunch in Baghdad between Saddam Hussein and an Al Quaeda agent. Furthermore," Senator Cruz said, "we have been told by Fox News that someone said that they saw a report that someone heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel may been implicated by unnamed sources in the assassinations of Presidents Liincoln, Garfield, and Kennedy as well as the attempts on Presidents Reagan and Ford. We will also be looking at reports from Fox News that internet sources say that somebody heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel caused the crash of the stock market in 1929 and the Great Depression of the Dust Bowl years as well as the sinking of the Titanic. There are also rumors reported by Fox News that someone else heard on Fox News that someone else said that there were reports that Chuck Hagel was involved in the efforts to convert America to the metric system. And finally, we have heard from Fox News that sources said that there are reports from unnamed sources who have heard that someone said that Chuck Hagel may speak French. And this is all very disturbing."

Thoughts for the week on Valentine's Day 2013

State of the Union - Here's an Andy Rooney question for you. Does anybody think it strange that the Republicans, who think English should be the official language of the United States, had Marco Rubio broadcast the State of the Union Response in both English and Spanish? North Korea, desperate for military assault weapons and ammunition, plans to open a WalMart in Pyongyang."We're tired of getting all that used crap from China. We want the latest in assault weapons technology." What bothers me most about Kim Jong-un is that his favorite TV show is "Doomsday Preppers." Pope Benedict XVI, in shocking news, announces he is converting to Presbyterianism, is considering offers for a tell-all book deal ghost written by Sarah Palin, guest reality television appearances on Swamp People, Hoarders, and Storage Wars, but is leaning to his own Italian cable TV Reality to be called "Lives of ex-Popes" in which a 24 hour web cam system is installed in his Vatican apartment. In more weird news of the day, Donald Trump demands to see Pope Benedict's birth certificate. In even weirder news, Ted Nugent will attend the papal conclave at the invite of a rogue priest from Texas. And in possibly the weirdest news, Sarah Palin says she may run for Pope even if it means she has to convert to Catholicism. She says, "John McCain says she's just as qualified to be Pope as she was to be President After President Obama's State of the Union Address this week, House Majority Leader John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell assured Republicans across the country that they will work tirelessly over the coming weeks to come up with a new losing strategy. "And if all else fails," they said, "we've always got Benghazi." And finally, Japanese flying squid? Sure. The next thing you'll be telling me is that Gomer Pyle was gay......